HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - merchants slogan: "We don't have it but we can get it for you."

Friday, March 5, 2010


If you are a "farm kid" like I am, then you had a head start on sex education. All the while we worked around ducks, chickens, cows and pigs, at one time or another we would become accidental observers of the animal world "doin' a what comes naturlee"

We had ducks and I'll tell you what - a drake doesn't make love to a hen. He rapes her. She will come waddling, be minding her own business and he is lying in wait for her. At the opportune moment he is on her, no hello, howdy doo, or does this feel good, no, sir.

He just jumps her.

And the clamor is fierce! Noisy he is with feathers flying while she just squats there and takes it.

And when he's done, he'll dismount, straighten his feathers and go wanderin' off for new victim.

It always puzzled me about embryos - in humans, the female carries an egg for a little less than a month, then if it remains unfertilized, she flushes it out of her system. Chicken's embryos- if you really think about it - are really the beginnings of an omelet. She forms a little cocoon around the embryo and if it doesn't get fertilized, she drops it out of her body and on to our plate.

I guess my own sex education, the occasion that still lives vivid in my memory, is when one of our dairy cows would go into heat and my dad would lead her down to the end of the barn and into the big pen at the end where stood Buddy the Bull, 600 pounds of dangling fury.

Buddy led a pretty strange existence really. For months he would be forced into chastity, doing little more than eating, deficating, and sleeping (why does that ring so familiarly?) until one of the ladies was overcome by nature. That's when my dad would lead the hot guernsey down the aisle to Buddy's man cave.

Now Buddy, in all honesty, had the trait that many human females appreciate. Buddy believed in going slowly, taking his time.
He was also a believer in oral stimulation and inevitably he started nose first in that bovine booty, pausing only momentarily to screw his mouth into weird contortions.. I used to watch the cow's expression. It's the same facial reaction you get when you goose someone.


My dad, I remember, used to get a chuckle out of that part of the show. I was little and had no conception of what was happening and so would look quizzically at my dad.

When the fore play was over, Buddy would rare up like Trigger and ensconce himself on the back of his paramour, and after two preliminary short strokes, he would ram it home, almost knocking the both of them onto the straw covered floor. And that was it. Mission accomplished. No after sex cuddling, no cigarette.

Later we switched to artificial insemination - not nearly as much fun for anyone.

I have always wished I was good at cartooning as I have this cartoon etched in my brain since I was in high school. It would be a big old holstein sprawled on her back, udders skyward, and next to her, a guy with a baseball cap and a tee shirt touting an artificial insemination company, also sprawled right next to the cow, his jean wearing legs crossed, his big work boots also pointed skyward, and he would be passing a cigarette to the cow.


My friend Apple forwarded me this and it is just TOO good!

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


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