I took most of the day and cleaned out one of three of my freakin' file cabinets. It's like that near-death experience thing where they tell you your whole life flashes before you, but in this case, slower.
I discovered a "comedy file" that contained over 500 blonde jokes, another 200 "stupid man" jokes, and a host of attempts at actually sitting down and writing monologues. They were all pretty awful and are now shredded.
I did keep something that Kim Wilson and I wrote together about a hundred years ago called The Wisconsin Wedding Song.
The Wisconsin Wedding Song (by Kim Wilson and Larry Heagle)
All I have is yours, All you have is mine
So our love's defined by property law
You get half the house, I get half the car
We're better off by far, with the property law
You can keep Michelle, Ryan comes with me
And half the cat is mine, by property law
I pay half the bills, you get half my debts
And two television sets, it's the property law
All you have is mine, all I have is yours
That's how love's defined by the property law
I'll take half the joy, you get half the pain
And it's driving us insane -- THE PROPERTY LAW!
Oh, no! I just found more "comedy" material that I should hve thrown away:
Their gonna put me in X rated movies
They gonna make a big stud outa me
They'll make a scene about a man whose sad and horny
And all I gotta do is act naturally.
Bet you I'm gonna be a big star
Might film it bareback, you can never tell
The movies gonna make me a big star
cuz you'll see my part so well!
I hope you come and see me in the movies
then I know that you will plainly see
the biggest tool that ever hit the big time
And why my wife can't get enough of me.
To the shredder!
I just bought a self help book entitled "Looking Out For Number One". My wife says I can read it right after she finishes reading it.
To the shredder!
Soaked by my water bill, shocked by my electric bill. Just got my telephone bill and I'm speechless!
To the shredder!
My oldest brother is a farmer. He just bought one of those "standard" model John Deeres. It doesn't have a steering wheel or a seat - I guess it's for the farmer whose lost his ass and doesn't know which way to turn.
do you know why farmers don't wear tennis shoes?
seed companies don't give away tennis shoes.
Please, God! to the shredder!
Do you suffer from occasional minor nagging pains?
Oh -- you're sitting right next to him!
Today's mathematics problem:
If it costs a farmer $5.00 to grow a bushel of wheat and he can only sell it for $3.00 a bushel, how many bushels will it take before the farmer sells his land for condominiums?
Hear about the discount guru? He was a used karma dealer.
What's green and analyzes all the hidden meaning in your dreams?
Sigmond frog
Old stewardesses never die -- they just keep preparing for departure.
My first wife told me she was a bi-sexual.
I said: "Geez, honey, I gotta have it more than twice a year!"
She said: "No, you idiot! I'm a lesbian!"
I said: "Oh! why didn't you say so? How's everything in Beirut?
13 postal workers arested in Cleveland for alledgedly selling cocaine on the job. That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase: "long lines at the post office."
Sometimes when I'm depressed, I dress up in my finest suit and go to the Cadillac dealership, engage a salesman and take him for a test drive on the freeway at about 120 mph.
Then when we get back to the dealership, I tell him I am interested in the car, but not this one .. this one's used.
Sign in the window of a "Preppy" bar:
NO GUCCIS, NO IZODS, NO SERVICE
Former UN Secretary Kurt waldheim suffered from the same disease that our current Pope has: "Walheimer's Disease". That's when you get so old that you can't remember that you used to be a Nazi.
I came home early the other night and caught my wife in bed with another man.
"What are you doing?!" I screamed.
"See, I told you he was stupid." she said to her friend.
TO THE SHREDDER!
I gotta shut this down anyways. The Denson/Sims enclave are coming over for Larry's Pizza tonight and I must go in search of fresh basil. so if you find some missing from your garden -- yup. It was me!
There will be pictures at Eleven!
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