HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

THANK GOD FOR THE DISCOVERY OF THE PRINCIPLE OF THE WHEEL

Today is the day! My pal "Blinky" Johnson is on his way up from Windsor to give me a helping hand in cutting up, splitting and stacking two dead oak that I found within the boundries of my property.

Yesterday my brother Bob kindly dropped off his Husqvarna chain saw, replete with new chain and prepared fuel/oil mixture. He also was kind enough to drop the two targeted trees for me. The first was quite wide in diameter and had lost its top half in a severe storm in the past.

The second tree is located on the "office" property and I hunted it down after the leaves had fallen off all the other trees except for the living oaks which keep their leaves all winter, making it easy to spot the dead tree immediately. Trouble is, this one was definitely a "widow maker" so Bob notched it the way he wanted it to fall and of course it didn't fall that way but instead fell into a large pine next to it and hung there.

After cutting another piece off the bottom of it, it suddenly fell, shaving all the dead limbs off the pine that had caught its fall originally. It is back into the woods a ways and it it going to be a real task to get it cut up, split and loaded on my trailer and out of there.

This morning I thought I had best check on my trailer as it has rubber tires and has been exposed to the elements for nearly four years. I had visions of two flat tires but my luck held and they were low but still hold air. I got a rake and raked the leaves off the bed of the trailer and then had to extricate it from the damn berry bushes that had entwined themselves throughout the trailer bed which is a steel mesh.

Once I got that cleared I put the trailer hitch on the "Big Tomato" and pulled the trailer over to the garage at the house where I have an electrically operated tire pump. After fixing the tires, I pushed the trailer closer to where our project will begin. I then began bringing the cut sections out of the woods one at a time with my two wheel dolly - no easy task for this old man. I now know how the ancient Egyptian slaves felt while building the pyramids.

As you can see from the photo they are now in position for splitting.

Our first task when Blinks arrives will be to take the Tomato into town to A-1 Rental and pick up a gas powered splitter at a cost of $75.00 per day. robbery! So we will need to get it all cut up and split by noon tomorrow at which time friends may call either at Luther Hospital or the morgue.

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The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,

AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:



1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

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