HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

PAPER OR PLASTIC? IT DOESN'T MATTER - I'M BI-SACKSUAL

I was just thinking about the thirty years I spent as a traveling entertainer, all without a Blackberry that plays music, takes videos, pictures, and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my two kids, both of whom live in New York City could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of them hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the basement in one of my guitar cases.

I bought myself a GPS for my last birthday because I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Borders talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside is the most annoying, rudest person I have run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she sarcastically says, "Re-calc-ul-ating". You would think that she could be nicer. It is like she barely tolerates me. She lets go with a deep sigh and then tells me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I do make a right turn instead, it is not good. I finally found out there's a button you can push to get a male voice and although he's just as rude and annoying, for some reason I can take it better from a male.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

There! I said it!

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