I suppose it's al the rain and damp weather we have been having but Holy Sheissmeister are the wood ticks running rampant at your place, too? Or is it just me? Sometimes I get a little paranoid because of the Wood Tick Song that they are out to get me.
And once I find one, I spend the rest of the day with the creepie crawlies -- thinking that I can feel one moving up my neck or down my leg or God knows where! A couple of days ago, out of my frustration, I made up the following list:
Twenty Five Ways To Destroy Wood Ticks
1. Hack the little buggers with a heavy meat cleaver
2. Seal the entire tick in heavy axle grease
3. Flush the tick down the toilet screaming: “Swim, vermin, swim.”
4. Follow instructions for #3 but do #2 into bowl first!
5. Light a candle, allow wax to accumulate, drop tick in to melted wax, screaming: “Wax, vermin, wax!"
6. Multiple freezer method: using scotch tape, collect up to a dozen ticks, adhering them to the sticky side, Put in baggie. freeze!
7. Pick tick up with tweezers, light cigarette lighter and listen for distinctive “POP”!
8. Pour a shot of tequila, drop tick into liquor while doing Pee Wee Herman’s “Tequila” dance moves - light tequila afire
9. Capture and save any wood ticks that my attack you, release in appropriate locations-- i.e. neighborhood busy body’s couch, squad car of ticketing officer, etc.
10. Dip in Dippety-Doo while singing “Zippitey doo dah”
11. Independence Day Ticks: scotch tape to bottle rocket
12. Glue to fire cracker
13.Take a tick fishing: string about a dozen on a small blugill hook
14. Feed a tick to a pet gold fish or any bug eating fowl
15. Hammer and anvil method -- see how flat you really can make a tick using a heavy hammer
16. The too easy method: spray thoroughly with bug spray
17. Place tick between two magnets -- leave them for the summer
18. Tape several ticks to a red circle target, practice with shot gun (Do NOT invite Dick Cheney!)
19. Using a tweezers, remove all but one leg. release
20. Gather ticks live in a big jar all summer -- come September have a “Tick Stir Fry!
21. Roll a tick in a "funny cigarette" and share him with friends
22. After three sticks of bubble gum, add a tick, continue to chew, blow him into a bubble!
24. Tape tick to tire and "peel out"
25. Insert hypodermic needle into tick thorax and suck on wood tick until HE collapses!
I felt better for about 15 minutes before the creepie crawlies once again set in.
So I have taken it upon myself to declare the month of June as "Wood Tick Month" to raise everyone's awareness to the ever growing dangerous presence of disease carrying, blood sucking parasites.
Disease carrying, blood sucking parasites: sounds like our government, doesn't it?
THE HITACHI HARANGUE CONTINUES
Please, please, please DO NOT PURCHASE ANYTHING FROM HITACHI ELECTRONICS! I say this for your own peace of mind and welfare.
If you have been following our long day's journey into night with these incompetents, you will know that we have been trying to get a new HD TV set from them since last March!
Here's an update: They finally had a freight service pick up the piece of junk on May 29, 2008. The final step? we are supposed to be getting a refund check from Hitachi Electronics. Here it is, nearly a month later, and they still haven't settled it with us!!!
I finally went to Sam's Club and purchased a new set with my credit card and thanks to Hitachi, I am still carrying a high balance because they haven't sent us the check.
So please remember -- if you are buying a new set to beat the digital invasion of next February, DO NOT BUY A HITACHI.
You better believe we didn't.