First Blog I Ever Wrote

http://www.howmanyofme.com/search/

Welcome to the newest addition to my web site, the Larry Heagle blog. So I clicked on the url above just to see "how many of me" there are in the United States and was quite surprised to find that there are only TWO! Didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read about the OTHER Larry Heagle of Kankakee, Illinois. You see, that Larry is even more morally bankrupt than yours truly! (I know, fans, that's hard to believe!?) THAT Larry had to resign from his job as school custodian because his superiors found pornography on his shop computer. Oh, not just pornography, my friends, but CHILD pornography!

That's what we need in the public schools .. a janitor who is a potential child molester. Excuse me while my skin crawls!

In case you missed it, another of my birthdays went whizzing by last month. The cool thing about having your birthday fall on "Tax Day" is that more people send mail on my birthday than any other day in the year. None of it is for me, of course, but good old Uncle Sammy is absolutely deluged.

You know what's nice about getting older?


Not a damn thing!!!!!

Well, now that I think about it, there are some perks. When you get to be my age, you no longer care what people think about you. You just don't give a shit! You can be a curmudgeon and get away with it. You don't have to open doors for young women any more. In fact the other day, I had one open the door for me.

Now that I am older, I can go into McDonald's and when that kid asks me if he can take my order, I just bellow: "NO! Get away from me you pimply-faced little bastard. I'll tell you when I'm ready to order and I don't want any supersizes, ya sonsabitches!"

This attitude first came to light when I worked a nursing home gig. There was one of the residents sitting where I wanted to put a speaker so I asked my hostess to ask him to move. She went over and had the following conversation:
"Mr. Johnson, would you mind moving so that Mr. Heagle can put his speaker here?

"NO!"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE HE'S AN ASSHOLE!

"Oh, Mr. Johnson! You don't mean that!"

"YES I DO! HE'S AN ASSHOLE!

So she came back over to me and said: "I'm afraid Mr. Johnson's having a bad day."

And I said: "No, I think he knows me."

Did you hear the news? Dubbya and Condoleeeeeeza are in the hospital with concussions. It seems that when they bent over to kiss Cheney's ass, they banged heads. (C'mon. I kid the administration. It's just a joke.)

You know you are getting older when .. (and this was an actual experience)

a woman said to me: "I'll bet you were something in your day."






Sign above my office toilet: " A message from Wayne LaPierre, Executive VP, NRA: The shorter the barrel, the less the accuracy. Perhaps you should sit."
lheagle@larryheagle.com