My good friend and fellow song writer/performer, Robert "One Man" Johnson e mailed me recently suggesting that we and other friends "our age" begin to complile our accumulated knowlege, wisdom, and admonitions for younger generations to heed and learn from.
Here are the first of Robert's offerings:
Step back from the mirror when you are flossing your teeth.
Step forward to the urinal. Pride is a sin.
Never wear a white shirt to an Italian restaurant.
Don't put sharp knives into soapy dish water.
Don't touch your nose after cutting up jalepeno peppers.
Check for toilet paper before you sit down.
To that I added:
Never trust a fart.
Never ignore an erection.
Never pass up a rest area while traveling.
Don't apply toothpaste to your toothbrush in the dark;
(I did ONCE. It was Preparation H.)
Upside: my gums stopped bleeding.
Don't ask an over weight woman how long ago she had the baby. She just may be over weight!
Bob sent me two more:
Don't leave your contact lenses in a glass of water.
Never use silverware to retrive your toast from the toaster.
Here are some from my days as a farm boy:
Don't spread manure in high gear.
Don't bother the guy with the rubber glove while he is working.
Never, ever pee on an electric fence.
Don't stand behind a cow with a cough.
Don't lick the frost off the pump handle.
Where there is one bumble bee, there are many others.
All right! Robert has started the "ball of experience" rolling! These are just in from Russ Blixt:
The world is lived in subtlety.
Only three things to avoid: jealousy, greed, and revenge.
Cold water, not hot, dilutes blood stains.
Dead worms or nightcrawlers generate the worst smell on earth.
All extension cords will turn into a knot when you try to unravel a coil.
Beauty, intelligence and nice CAN all go together in one package!
I was just thinking and:
I have found that people who cannot relax and laugh at themselves cannot be trusted.
Whichever end of a fresh garbage bag you are trying to find the opening to, it is always the other end.
My car keys are always in the pocket located just below the arm laden with the large bag of groceries I am carrying.
The old saying is "money talks". My money only knows one word: 'goodbye'.
If you steal ideas from many it is called research. If you steal ideas from one it is called parallel development.
Being Catholic is to know the haunting fear that somone somewhere may be happy.
Sad, the correct use of the adverb in Americans daily usage, is dying.
You can tell a Lutheran is enjoying a joke by the way he shakes his head in disgust.
The words 'caps' and 'hats' cannot be used interchangeably. Caps have bills; hats have brims. There is no such thing as a baseball hat or a cowboy cap.
After posting this latest blog, I received the following from my good friend and very talented radio announcing friend, Jay Moore:
I beg to disagree with you about the cowboy cap. Most of the real working cowboys I knew in Wyoming wore caps. I asked my farrier, Rollin Trumble ("Whatcha up to, Rollin?" "Five foot six in heels.") why he and most of the guys wore caps when they were working. At the time, I was all duded up in my jeans, cowboy shirt and 10 gallon hat. Rollin looked at me and said, "Just don't want nobody mistakin' me for a disc jockey." True story.
shantyboy
Also received the following from "Shantyboy":
Jerry Falwell died of heart failure. What a surprise. Amazed at the suggestion he had one!
(Well, maybe that comment didn't really belong in this particular blog, but the other one he sent certainly does):
"Kiss slowly. Laugh insanely. Love truly. Forgive quickly."
Admonitions from Sylvia (although she's not old):
Watch your step.
Go easy on the Wasabi.
Always check for the airsickness bag before take-off.
Check your zipper.
Check your teeth after eating green stuff.
Remember your age and leave the skateboarding to those who heal quickly.
The songs you listened to in HS are now the oldies for the kids who are now in HS, get over it.
Other, more serious advice:
Visit your relatives, even if it feels obligatory.
Stay in touch with friends.
Don't dwell on your regrets; rather learn a lesson from them.
Be a good listener.
It's never too late to say... Yes it is. Don't let time pass without saying what needs to be said.
Own a pet. It will add humor to life.
Listen to your gut. That uneasy feeling is there for a reason.
Watch and remember great movies.
Listen to music.
Dance
Take care of yourself. You only have one of you.
Remember that life is short and take advantage of opportunities whenever you can.
Take time to notice the little things.
Smile.
And this just in from my Brookfield, Wisconsin friend, Jude Torgeson:
Always take your husband/wife with you on business trips. That way you won't have to kiss them goodbye.
Unhappily, impetuous steps and sides are taken when we are young. Only too late do we figure life out.
Here's an appropriate observation from my brother John, after digging in his garden of a Spring day:
"I hurt, therefore I am."
And another:
"The elderly are our greatest source of natural resources:
we have gold in our teeth
gas in our stomaches
and lead in our feet."
Thought of another this morning:
If you are 35 and you say you subsribed to Playboy magazine "for the articles" you are lying.
If you are 65 and you say you subscribed to Playboy magazine "for the articles" you are telling the truth.
I invite anyone who wants to add their own life experiences, advice and admonitions to this particular blog, as we can all learn from one another.
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