WHO NEEDS A FEMALE VIAGRA? EVER HEARD OF FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE?

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a
KNEELING position?

The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position - was
set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France ..

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you
an idea as to how it was achieved.....


This much we know for sure: You do not touch the third rail. You do not betray your closest friends. You do not eat the fuzzy part of the cheese.
You do not rise up from the watery depths too rapidly, lest you go quickly insane. You do not drink five cups of coffee and three shots of absinthe and then attempt delicate brain surgery, blindfolded. You do not drill for oil a mile down in the pristine seas and have no reliable backup systems should something go horribly, horribly wrong. You do not mock Mother Nature.

But above all else, for absolute certain, one thing you really, really do not do: You do not mess around with the female sexual response.

I'm wondering if this will be the one to do it. I'm wondering if the current flurry of activity around the long-rumored, hotly debated, coolly mistrusted, still nonexistent "female Viagra," that hugely elusive wonderdrug currently being chased down by a whole slew of eager, cash-hungry major pharmcos, will be the one to change everything. And not necessarily for the better.

Have you heard? About the magic, billion-dollar pill that's to be aimed at the roughly 40 percent (!) of American women who report a complete lack of interest in sex, who have low or nonexistent libidos, women for whom even moderate arousal is akin to finding a happy gay Mormon in Utah?

Is this the one? Will this be the wild drug chase that finally cracks us wide open, make us see the light, the folly, the futility of trying to unwind the deeper and juicier mysteries of existence? Let us ponder.

We're getting closer. The FDA just rejected the second major attempt at a female libido enhancer, a drug called flibanserin, from German titan Boehringer Ingelheim. Seems the FDA was unimpressed by the drug's overall effectiveness, despite BI's claims that flibanserin's power lies not in its ability to stimulate immediate sexual arousal, but rather in how it serves as a more general improver of overall sensual awareness. Or something.

No matter. This fine attempt means it won't be long until more drugs come down the pike, aiming to capture that elusive gold ring called "female sex drive." I'm actually sort of looking forward to the efforts; something really interesting is bound to emerge, something weird and wonderful, revealing and troubling, all at once.

It's a strange and fascinating game, this hunt. On the one hand, it's widely believed that female libido issues are at least partially clinical, medical, chemical, a genuinely treatable condition, something a synthetic drug can assist in at least partially rekindling. Hell, we have drugs that do everything from tricking your heartbeat to those that help you stop screaming in the night. Why not this?

On the other hand... well, the other hand is where it gets really interesting.

Here's the thing: Everyone knows male Viagra is all about simple mechanics, a brilliant plumbing fix, and nothing more. The miraculous blue pill actually does zilch for male sex drive, nothing to "turn you on," nothing to make sex any hotter or kinkier or orgasmically mindblowing, nothing to help generate a mad lust to be gang-licked by 10,000 nubile callipygian wood nymphs while driving a Bugatti Veyron at 250 mph straight into the sun. For men, that sort of physical lust is automatic, a priori, woven in to our very bones.

The female version is an entirely different divine pink mystery-soaked wildebeest altogether.

The female sexual response is gorgeously, notoriously, infuriatingly hardwired into more than a few unfathomable cosmic wavelengths, along with a whole army of wobbly expectations, cultural proscriptions, maternal drives, menopausal shifts, depressions, ecstasies, bored housewiferies, psychological contradictions -- not to mention nearly 2,000 years of male-dominated culture not having a f--ing clue what the clitoris is actually for, combined with a near total medical ignorance (until recently) of intricate female plumbing.

In short, female sexuality is the same as it's ever been: a divine, inscrutable kaleidoscope wrapped in a mystery shaped like a yonic enigma. Parsing it in any reliable way has been one of humanity's greatest challenges, joys, follies, wine-soaked laughter-filled experiments.

My humble male prediction: It will continue to be this way for... well, just about forever. Like poetry, art, the Great Pyramids and avocadoes, it is simply not meant to be unraveled. Put another way, if we ever do fully unravel it, it means the time-space continuum has come undone, consciousness has finally shifted, and we are ready for the next leap. Understand female sexuality, you understand God. Or at least, you understand how She dances.

Do not misunderstand: I'm not de facto against the pharmcos attempting this bizarre feat of effrontery, despite the inherent insult of corporations thinking they can delineate and define the workings of the female sex. Hell, the DSM-IV has been doing it for years. So has the church. Ditto modern medicine. It's just our nature. Complaining that drug makers are inventing ailments to make a profit is like bitching about how crocodiles in Florida keep eating all the little fluffy doggies on the shore. This is just what they do.

In fact, I wish them luck. If nothing else, there will be many fascinating theories, findings, test methods, focus groups. Who knows? One of these corporations may stumble on a bit of truly magnificent, unexpected wisdom about the female wonderdazzle that makes us rethink the entire human sexual experiment altogether.

But know this: There is no way in hell well get anywhere near to figuring it all out. No pill can ever touch the complexity. The best we can do is examine and isolate a few trouble spots, find a few fixes for the most distressed and needful among us, hope for the best.

It's a bit like NASA poking at the dangerous magnificence of black holes, those swirling deep space phenomena that entice and enthrall us almost as much as they scare us silly. Sure, we can get reasonably close, we can take astounding photos, we can make all sorts of educated guesses as to what might be happening in there. We can even send in a few probes, feelers, satellites, take some measurements and gather a few samples to send back to the lab.

But holy hell on a tip of a vibrator, you don't actually go in there. That's where worlds collide, universes expand, meanings come undone, gods laugh, demons play poker with angels, and fire turns into spun glass in the shape of a Sylvia Plath poem. You think you got a pill for that? The hell you do.

______________________________________________________________

FROM E MAILS RECEIVED:

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

<><>
And last but not least, the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.


##################################################

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in
life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?"


Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want
to know what I make?" (She paused for a second, then began...)


"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.


I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.


I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.


You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table)


"I make kids wonder.


I make them question.


I make them apologize and mean it.


I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.


I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't
everything.


I make them read, read, read.


I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain,
not the man-made calculator.


I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.


I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in
the United States of America .


Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were
given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)


"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant. You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?"


His jaw dropped, he went silent. (AT LEAST FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS STORY)

________________________________________________________________

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB - CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR 75TH BIRTHDAY!

Congratulations to my fine oldest brother Robert upon his three quarters of a century birthday. Bob is a really talented guy - especially when it comes to Wisconsin's bird population as he can recognize every species simply by hearing their songs.

I decided to go down and visit him this morning and in honor of his day I took along my pop over cups and everything else I would need to make his birthday a little more special.

We had a really nice visit and I even got a chance to give "Dusty" the cat a good brushing. He is one cool dude - a rescued cat from the Menomonie shelter.

Dorothy was looking well and we also had a nice visit.

Thanks, Bob and Dorothy, for a beautiful morning! And again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

_______________________________________________________________

VERY PLEASED WITH SEAGULL SM12 SOUND

Hey, guitar gear heads! This is my Seagull SM12 twelve string guitar that I was able to practically "steal" during some horse trading at a big guitar dealership which shall remain anonymous. When I first acquired it, it sat around the house for almost a year before I finally bought a set of d'Addario phosphor bronze lights for it.

After stringing it up and getting the tuning and stretching and retuning out of the way, I was truly amazed at how much this supposed "low end" guitar puts out not only in volume but in exquisite ringing tone.

Let's see -- in the past I have owned a Guild 12'er, a Martin D-12-35, and a big old Harmony Sovereign 12 string - and although each of those was special in its own way, none of them can equal this guitar in a couple of areas.

First off, this is the first 12 string guitar that I have owned that consistently stays in tune. Anyone who has owned a twelve string guitar knows what a nightmare it is to keep in tune - for an entire song, much less an entire set! but the Seagull discovery of "straight line" tuners truly makes a difference in keeping the instrument true.

Secondly, maybe it is just this guitar, but it has a really even, shimmering sound when strummed - from the highs to the mids to the lows - it is all there!,

Ordinarily I steer clear of guitars that do not have solid wood all round. However, this SM12 has cherry laminate back and sides and it still has a really commanding voice, not thin in the least.

After putting the new set of strings on her I got so excited that I taught myself the chord progression for Gordon Lightfoot's "The wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald", a very haunting chord structure just made for backing with a 12 string. I found the lyrics and there are too many, but Lightfoot's poetry is excellent!

Should really memorize it. After all, Wisconsin gets a mention!

________________________________________________________________

A GRAND DAUGHTER'S PRAYER

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
on grandpa's computer.



_______________________________________________________________

TREASURE HUNTING IN THE SECOND HAND STORES

So this mrning I says to Kim:" "Let's go out and browse at my favorite store."
"T.J. Maxx?", she asks.

"Nope. The Hope Gospel Mission Thrift Store."

With my employment at an all time low i can no longer afford to shop at discount stores. I am now into finding used treasures at Salvation Army and other charity contribution built stores. I remember the last time I was at the Hope Gospel store I found three pair of practically new tennis shoes that fit really well -- at eight dollars a pair, why would I spend $60 to $80 in a retail store?
This trip netted me a replacement tackle box and a condiment presentation holder.

Okay, so the tackle box was really filthy and in need of a complete cleaning but look how sweet she turned out with about a half hour of intense scrubbing with a stiff brush and some floor cleaner! Not bad for three bucks!

Some time ago I went in search of a small book case to be situated next to my work area here at the office. that took a couple of visits but eventually, for $15 i got a really retro 1960's two shelf case with sliding glass doors.

There is something really deeply satisfying about finding some piece that I really like and pay so little for!

________________________________________________________________

AND these gems from my pal, Kevin Johnson:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, then said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head negatively, and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry, but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly, then nodded and said,
'That's why we ask.'
--Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She's a probation officer in Wichita , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

;
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and, for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.




How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha." When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us ... and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

THIS PHOTO SHOWN AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

This morning a friend of mine asked why I never wear shorts. I told him it is because I used to ride a motorcycle --- and then it was show and tell time.

The scar is over 20 inches in length. The first time the medics opened my right leg up was to try to save the knee that was involved in a motorcycle accident. Shattered in seven places just below the knee, when it healed, the leg did not heal straight. Inside the leg was a titanium pin. The doctor told me that they would remove it in about a year. (the pin not the leg).

I thought "no way" to myself and went on my not so merry way. A year passed and arthritis set in big time. I got to the point that I was begging them to go in again.

The second operation was to entirely remove my knee cap and install an artificial knee. Originally the scar was about five inches shorter, but after the doctor went in and removed the titanium and got the knee installed, it was considerably longer.

I have been on a machine that automatically flexes the leg, twenty four seven. I have been on lengthy therapy twice, just having finished another six weeks recently.

The knee is not much better. I can do manual chores for about two hours (mowing lawn, walking the driveway for the mail, grocery shopping, and then I am done for the day.

Why would I run this photo? If you are thinking about buying a motorcycle or even a scooter, take a good look at it. Because I was in some motorist's blind spot , I managed to slam that leg into a telephone pole at 20 mph -- yes, just 20 mph. You might want to think twice about buying a two wheeler.

______________________________________________________

AND ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

I f you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O....M.G.!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)




A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)




The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)




The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)




The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.... ..)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)




Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)





A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out. )




An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)


__________________________________________________________________

WHEN I WORRY AND I CAN'T SLEEP, I COUNT MY KITTIES INSTEAD OF SHEEP

Every once in a while I get my head on straight by simply blocking out any part of the world that might be burdensome and instead concentrate on the many blessings I have. And this morning as I came from the garage, who should be sitting in the window, but one of my blessings!
The first thing I did was get my camera and take some pictures of "Mr. Inquisitive". Hammy loves to perch just inside the window and wonder at the smells, sounds, and sights of the outside world.
Then I went back through my photos of our cats and found the one of Hammy and Larry at the Eau Claire Humane Society on his official day of adoption. My how he has grown since then! Check out the big paws.

He also had the greatest pair of testicles I have ever seen - any species! It was just fun to watch him sashay down the hallway with his tail high in the air and his those big furry nuggets bouncin' from side to side,

Broke my heart when we took them from him.

Kim and I both love "the Hammies"! I think he likes to hang with Kim more than me - which is okay and usually happens when you have two cats - Stella is my girl.

Hammy? He's the character and the KING of CURIOSITY. Examples?

Whatever space he is not allowed to enter is exactly where he wants to be. If the bottom shelf of the refrigerator is clear,every time I open the refrigerator door, he leaps in head first and refuses to come out. So I thought I could cure him of that. The next time he jumped in, I closed the refrigerator door and left him in there while I had a bowl of cereal.

Didn't faze him at all!

I use the sauna on the average of three times a day. So guess who bounds down the basement stairs and runs pell mell to the door of the sauna? For the longest time I refused him entry to the place because I run it at 150 degrees - and he's got on a fur coat!

But then he took to laying just on the other side of the door and scratching at the door. Then he began adding plaintive cries to impress me.

So finally the other day I gave in and let him join me in the dry heat. He's was happier than a pig in shit. He rolled around on the wooden slatted floor, all the while studying his environment, his head turning every which away. Then with a jump, he joined me on the bench to check out what I was reading and drinking.

That bored him quickly so he leapt up to the top seat level and did some serious surveying. Then it was back down on my level but now he focused on the heating element covered with stones. I don't know whether he would have jumped in there or not, but I didn't want to take the chance so it was out the door.

His penchant for breaking and entering can sometimes lead to accidental solitary confinement. We have learned that we need to triple check our closets because Hammy will find the remotest corner possible.

Whoever penned that old saw "Curiosity killed the cat" had my furry friend in mind.

What a great cat and what a true blessing in my life.


_________________________________________________________________


RETIRE WHERE???? Here are your choices:


You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

AND You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

SO MANY CHOICES . .



________________________________________________________________

THROW TONY HAYWARD INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE OIL SPILL AND LIGHT A FREAKIN MATCH

In an all out effort to maintain some sort of sanity, lately I have refused to even watch any sort of news programming. Last night however, I turned on John Stewart's Daily Show and was incensed by the Repugnican stance that WE should be apologizing for the "fleecing" of BP by the insistence of the present administration that BP pay out some $20 billion dollars to workers of the Gulf region for loss of jobs.

Such insanity! Then I find out that the other major oil companies with off shore drilling have no contingency should the same happenstance befall their organization. It is extremely difficult to keep a cheery outlook when big business is busy destroying the one planet that we have.

Just as frustrating are people like a friend of mine who claims that ALL politicians are crooks that should be voted out of office - but have no idea on how they think the present situation should be handled.

If there ever was a wake up call to move on to wind and solar power, this is it, my friends! Not only could we rid ourselves of our addiction to oil but we can put thousands upon thousands of Americans back to work bringing new technologies to fruition.


When BP CEO Tony Hayward testified before Congress the other morning, many expected to hear him apologize for the disaster his company has caused. Instead, GOP Congressman Joe Barton was the one saying he was sorry -- to BP.

In his opening statement, Barton, the top Republican on the committee overseeing the oil spill and its aftermath, delivered a personal apology to the oil giant. He said the $20 billion fund that President Obama directed BP to establish to provide relief to the victims of the oil disaster was a "tragedy in the first proportion."

I was so pissed that I gave the image on my TV screen the finger!

Other Republicans are echoing his call. Sen. John Cornyn said he "shares" Barton's concern. Rep. Michele Bachmann said that BP shouldn't agree to be "fleeced." Rush Limbaugh called it a "bailout." The Republican Study Committee, with its 114 members in the House, called it a "shakedown."

Let's be clear. This fund is a major victory for the people of the Gulf. It's a key step toward making them whole again. BP has a responsibility to those whose lives and livelihoods have been devastated by the disaster. And BP oil executives don't deserve an apology -- the people of the Gulf do.

Now that I think about it - an apology from BP wouldn't make me feel any better. Watching their corporate headquarters go up in huge fire balls and smoke that would choke asshole Tony to death - now hat might make me feel a little better!

Anybody got a match? Anybody got $50 to buy a can of gas to start the fire? There! I said it!

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HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.




The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :






Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?






Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.






One student, however, wrote the following:






First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.



Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:




1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.




2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.






So which is it?






If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'




THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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THE WEEKEND FROM HELL - WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BAD THINGS HAPPENING IN THREES?

Last week I found this wonderful "pizza clock" in a catalog and knew I had to have it for the office, scene of many many pizza parties in the past.

I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the package as it looks even better in person than it did in the catalog! And so far it keeps time really well.
This past weekend I had made big plans to get my friend Tom Johnson out on the rivers and or lakes in the area to do a little fishing - something Tom hadn't done in years.

We planned on going all day saturday with Chad Wolter, friend, chiropractor and avid fisherman. Unfortunately, he called me late friday night to inform me that a friend was using his boat all day saturday, guiding some fishermen from out of town, so we wouldn't be able to go fishing until sunday.

So saturday morning Tom and I decided we would just kick back and enjoy one another's company. that is, until i got an e mail from Paypal informing me that I had bought $84.86 worth of software -- which of course, I had NOT. I immediately went into panic mode, scaring the hell out of Mr. Johnson, and after listening to me curse and stomp around the office for about an hour, he excused himself and left for Superior, Wisconsin, to check on the house and spend time with a friend there.

By mid-afternoon I had taken the necessary steps to put a stop on the purchase. It turns out someone in Cameroon (of all places) had hacked my password!

No sooner had I taken all precautions with that situation when my cell phone went belly up and refused to work. I can't complain too much as it lasted for about four years before giving up the ghost.

I went to Wal Mart and replaced the phone with a Samsung. I really like the new phone. the only drawback is that I am now currently re-entering all the lost telephone numbers from the other phone.

Okay - so that's two bad things in a row and now I began to listen for the other shoe to drop as I have always understood that bad things happen in threes.

And sure enough, I went to turn off the Dish Network receiver at the office and that had ceased operating correctly. No matter which button I pushed, all it would do is turn the television set on and off.

So I called technical support and the guy told me to unhook the VCR to straighten out my problem. By the time I was mid way through h is directions over the phone, I was entirely lost and had wires I couldn't account for.

I called my local repair guy who couldn't come out until monday and decided I would go fishing with Chad on sunday afternoon.
We launched the boat and headed over near the dam - we no sooner got along the shoreline than Chad got a ferocious strike on an artificial night crawler. He was using a really light ultra light spinning outfit with eight pound test line and he battled the fish for a good 15 minutes before we ever got a look at it.

It tuned out to be the channel cat shown here - running about 10 pounds. Me? I had one half hearted strike on a "tiny torpedo" and nothing more.

Then it began to drizzle. After fishing about two hours, I had had enough and asked Chad to take me back to the launching area.

I am not a tough guy when it comes to fishing in the rain with a cold wind in my face!

So here it is - monday - and the rains continue to pour down on us. Enough, already!!! I think it's time to had for the sauna - at least it's warm in there!

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Wild Life Abound Close to Civilization - White tailed Deer

Every morning when I turn on my computer it opens on the home page of The Huffington Post - and lately I cringe at the photographs of the poor creatures dying in the Gulf of Mexico. so this morning I no sooner had the terrible images in sight when movement outside my office front window caught my eye.

Moving towards the front door was a mother and fawn. They were really delightful to watch as they were so much like a human mother and child. The fawn was running circles around her mother - continually. She even made me chuckle out loud with her antics. I watched as they moved even closer to me - I suddenly realized that I have my camera here at the office so I got a couple of pictures through the screen.

It is moments like this that I realize two things. first, I wish I had a really good camera with a telephoto lens - I could have gotten some really great close ups.

secondly, it made me appreciate that I live where I do - far away from the terrible disaster that is happening in our ocean. and that at least here our wild life is alive and well.

eventually I think the mother realized I was a danger and moved her child back to the drive way - then they drifted to the south out of view. What a great way to start a day!
We are indeed blessed here where we live. In the course of a day I hear the beautiful song of the rose breasted grossbeak that return to our property every spring. I have filled the feeder outside my office window and almost every day I am treated to Mr and Mrs Cardinal as they feed at my feeder, mere feet away from my gaze.

Even though we are only about three miles from the bustle of the mall, I have seen not only deer but raccoon, badger, fox, American eagle, hawks, and even the huge wood peckers whose rattle can be heard for miles.

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Linda Gruen sends me editorials by the "Rude Pundit". i really like this one:

The Rude Pundit

Proudly lowering the level of political discourse

6/09/2010

Memo to Sarah Palin: A President (or Governor) Is Not a CEO:
Could someone please hold a flip phone up to Sarah Palin and get her saying something like, "We use Trig as a door stop"? No, really, could someone get this nouveau riche redneck twat on camera talking about how she'd never shop at Wal-Mart 'cause she might get some trailer trash tears on her? 'Cause the idea that she is "a force" in the American political discourse is like coming across a tribe in the jungle that worships a monkey head.

In her latest Facebook posting (which is exactly where Thomas Paine would write Common Sense today so he could only reach people who "like" him), Palin takes Barack Obama to task for not having spoken to BP CEO Tony Hayward directly: "The current administration may be unaware that it’s the President’s duty, meeting on a CEO-to-CEO level with Hayward, to verify what BP reports." She says that she was "a CEO" when she was governor of Alaska.

Now, while Palin may look at the words "chief executive" in reference to a governor or president and think it's the same thing as "Chief Executive Officer" in a corporation, it's that very analogy that has failed us. The government ain't a company. The president ain't a CEO. Palin is either an idiot, Chauncey Gardner with tits, or an unconscionable, self-aggrandizing moose-f-----.

See, a CEO's job is to make money for the corporation. That's it. Shit like laws and taxes and safety are impediments that must be dealt with on the way to making money. A CEO has to be a greedy bastard, a conqueror who doesn't give a shit what has to be done to get more money. The second you say that the President of the United States is on an equivalent level with a CEO is the second you reveal that you don't know anything about government and you degrade the presidency. The logical leap to President-as-CEO is a callous manipulation of the expectations of the governed, and it turns citizens into selfish shareholders.

Obama call Tony Hayward to get answers from him? Why? Obama answered that well enough himself: "I have not spoken to him directly. Here's the reason. Because my experience is, when you talk to a guy like a BP CEO, he's gonna say all the right things to me. I'm not interested in words. I'm interested in actions." Palin's response to this? "Mr. President: with all due respect, you have to get involved, sir." What Palin is demanding is that the CEO of BP be elevated to world leader status. And, with no respect because none is due, she is the kind of oil pipe-sucking whore who would see it that way. Of course, it also completely erases all the involvement Obama has had, short of texting Tony Hayward with "hell of a spill lol".

One last thing: that Sarah Palin would invoke her two-and-a-half year stint as governor of Alaska as her "executive experience" is pathetic, like a first-time tourist attempting to give directions to the locals.

// posted by Rude One @ 8:47 AM

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BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD

Kim dropped in over here at the bungalow to find me soaking in a hot bath, trying to read a book, something that I really enjoy doing, soaking and reading. trouble is, the lighting is so bad in the bathroom, especially in the tub area, that it is really difficult to read!

She thought about it for a while and then told me she thought that I should get one of those head bands that has a series of LED's, battery operated -- sort of a "miner's light".

we checked at Wal Mart and sure enough, we found one made by Energizer for around twelve bucks. It takes three AAA batteries and is supposed to run for nearly 500 hours -

So the next time I got in the tub, I pulled the apparatus onto my head so that the light was situated right in the middle of my forehead. the first time I pressed the button, I got two red LED's. Not sure of the occasion i would be using them. I pressed the switch again and got two bright white lights right in the center of the unit - then I pressed it again and got an additional six smaller LED's, three to a side.

Too cool! I also found that the face of the unit can be tilted in four separate modes so that you don't have to crane your neck to find the page with the light.

Very cool!

Yesterday, with all the clouds and rainy weather killing all available natural light, I found myself stumbling around in the dark, trying to install a paper towel rack, and some ceiling hooks. Suddenly I thought of my little friend and strapped it on. Wow! What a great help for close up work. Like having someone hold a flashlight for you!

Something for you to think about! better than sliced bread!

Yesterday someone called me to ask me to call my senators about fighting a bill proposed by an Alaskan senator who wants to excuse the oil companies from any responsibility of paying for the extensive damage being done by the oil well disaster.

I hadn't heard about it and when the operator told me that, I totally lost and began ranting angrily about how it was time for the revolution and how i want to be in the first wave of revolutionists storming the oil company headquarters to kill and burn!

I know I got carried away because she finally interrupted me and said: "Thank you for your time" and hung up. I will now put the "RANT" into my arsenal of how to have fun with telemarketers.

I made the mistake of signing a lot of petitions with different organizations to make this a better world - now they are all calling me an asking for donations.

And god forbid you make a donation because then you are really targeted for a lot more calls.

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I know it's a little early to be getting in the football mode, but, hey, I lead a boring life. I have been going over NFL team uniforms trying to decide who I think has the best uniforms.

Well, undoubtedly at number one is the Green Bay Packers, not that I am biased. I always refer to the Packer uniforms colors as "spinach and mustard" - I love the contrast of th e very dark green and the yellow and white. And the G emblem on the helmets is a cool finishing touch- thanks, Vince!

No I am not going to cover all uniforms just my number one and number two - and at number two would b e the NY Giants uniforms. I love the use of blue and red and 'ny' on the side of the helmets is classy in its simplicity. Of course it wasn't always that simple - went through a lot of change over the years.

I really like the grey pants as opposed to the white they used to wear.

so that's my choices!

NOTE: My pal Kirk Roebuck sent me the photo of Ray Nitschke with the single bar face mask. Must have had Bart Starr's helmet for the picture. He looks weird in it!

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KIM TAKES TIME OUT FROM LANDSCAPING - WE ATTEND RON KEEZER'S 70TH BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was Ron Keezer's seventieth birthday and he threw a hell of a party at his house on Wilson Circle. He had a beautiful afternoon for the party after brief rain in the morning.

One of the highlights for me was running into one of the best drummers around, Steve Zenz, shown here doing his drummer's "para-diddles" with bratwurst - he is still the wild man that drummed for me years ago on wide awake Water Street with a country rock band I threw together named "Yesterday's Wine".

Yesterday he was acting chef alone with Ron's very famous jazz pianist son, Geoffrey, who you can see just beyond Steve.

I downloaded the picture from yesterday and realized I didn't get any pictures of the birthday boy himself. DUH! Ron and several other friends that turned 70 this year did their "Barely Alive" dance for the guests - I'm afraid it reminded my less of John Travolta and more of an old folks conga line.
This morning Kim and I continued out side work. she is finishing up the planting and landscaping along the house. While she worked at that, I assembled the fancy schmancy hose house and hooked it up so we will be ready to water all the new plants when it gets to be hot and dry in July.
The Hostas are really looking good this season. I think this is their third year. It obviously takes a while for plants to adapt to their new home. Kim planted some Liver Wort and
filled in between with "White Nancy". It already looks great but in a couple of years it will be absolutely beautiful.

I spent a good hour combing both the properties, picking up sticks and branches that i don't want to run over with the lawn mowers.

Both the lawn mowers are in the shop this week - the Murray rider needs a new blade and some deck balancing so that it mows evenly.

the pull-to-start "Weed Eater" hand mower ran pretty well for a couple of weeks after I put a very expensive spark plug in it -- but it ate that one up (I probably didn't have it gapped correctly). I put another new plug in it but it refused to turn over and the recoil is like trying to pull teeth.

the office is completely clean! And so far, I am on day four and there is no clutter about whatsoever! Liz Fischer tells me that if you continue to pick up after yourself immediately for 21 days, it becomes habit. Man, I hope so!

Sure is nice working in a clean space.

Liking this rain! We needed it and it will help our new planting. Hope you have a great summer! Enjoy it because I really think the end is near.

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SPRING CLEANING TO THE MAX

You may think this photo strange, but if you look closely you will see that it is a walk in closet (sort of) with shelves on the right hand wall, all fully crowded with items I can't seem to part with at this point.

The photo I chose is now a symbol of my entire cleaning triumph over Larry's Little Man Cave at 4888 Hobbs - no small chore - Yes, let's use that very same closet as an example.

It was stuffed with stuff so high that you couldn't see the window in the back (and how cool is it that my closet has a window, eh?) and the main open portion was stacked with card board boxes, paper towels, boxes of fire starters, more card board boxes, a broken fly rod, a baseball mitt, original boxes for my die cast collection, old tennis shoes I should have thrown out, a bag of charcoal, football helmets that I ended up not using for my collection, and more!

The huge St Patrick's Day poster finally found a home -- in the closet where it should be! And the nearly black object below the poster is the vacuum cleaner - the bag of which needs emptying.

So I got a room for all my cleaning stuff, complete with mirrors.

The entire office got a face life over the pat eight or so days and the man cave is looking extremely posh. I took on the mess from room to room. I found out that if you really concentrate on cleaning EVERYTHING in a room, it is much more pleasing to the eye. Now the big question is will I follow the promise I have made more than once that I will keep it neat and tidy, cleaning up every day what needs to be cleaned - putting away what needs to be put away -

I haven't been able to do it so far. the last time it looked this good was when my brother Father John was my house guest for several days.

And the time before that was when lovely Perla Batalla stayed over night while she was on tour. Man, that's been over a decade ago! Yikes!

I clean the office in military terms -- I establish a beach head in the office computer area and eliminate all resistance by wiping them out.

Then I move like soldiers in a street battle, in the ruins, taking one room at a time!

Man, my office is CLEAN! I'm gonna have to have a Boys Nite Inn party soon!

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My pal Steve (Roy) Rogers stopped by the man cave the other day - always nice to talk to him as he is a great story teller and believe me he has lived some stories worth telling!

He got going on how the DNR here in Wisconsin has or had a program of transferring what they referred to as "Problem Bears" from wherever they were causing problems such as damaging property and generally bumping up against folks, to another area in the state, usually further north.

All this did was cause an increase in the number of problem bears in the state because the bears bad behavior was passed on to the next generation.

Sounds sort of like the Catholic Church, don't it?

THRERE, I SAID IT!


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So that's why I haven't been logging much lately on the blog -- life happens.