As I hit the middle of my 31st year as an entertainer, I find it fascinating when and how people suddenly recognize me from past performances.
Years ago I was on a ferry out of Seattle, Washington, going to Vancouver, B.C. for the afternoon. As I stood looking out over the bow, a young man eased up to me and says: "Excuse me, aren't you, Larry Heagle?"
Taken aback I said: "Yes, I am. How do you know who I am?"
"Oh, we're from Wausau. we've seen your show many times at the Parlor Car."
Later, on the same trip, I am walking through the airport when I guy walks by, lugging a cooler.
"Hi, Larry!" he says as he keeps on walking.
"Wait a minute!" I say, turning to him. "How do you know my name?"
"We're from Downsville, Wisconsin," he says, " out here doing a bit of salmon fishing and we are just heading home."
There have been othr times when locals from the Eau Claire area have stumbled upon me while I was working comedy clubs on the road. Pheasant hunters from Eau Claire are suddenly impressed by the facat that I am working at Stephanie's Comedy Club in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Harley nationers from the Chippewa valley stumble upon me at the comedy club in Rapid City and for some unknown reaon, my stock rises in their eyes because they see me on the road.
It happened again this morning. I went out for a late breakfast at the Altoona Restuarant on Highway 12 East. The waitress (who has waited on me numerous times before) suddenly comes back over to my booth:
"My god! You're Larry Heagle! You are just the funniest! I used to live in Wausau and we came out to hear you all the time! I didn't recognize you!"
Probably not --that's been fifteen years ago and I have been through two motorcycle accidents, major heart surgery, and a major weight loss since those days.
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I got this in my e mail from my pal Matt Capell who is presently living in Italy. Some day I will devote an entire blog to Matt Capell stories:
This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph . .
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'. Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you fucking kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kaluha and lock yourself in your house just so you Don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons Austin, TX
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