HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

THE PETER PRINCIPLE, MURPHY'S LAW, AND NOW LARRY'S LAW

So you have all heard of the "Peter Principle" wherein executives rise to the level of their complete incompetence. Then there's "Murphy's Law" which put simply says "anything that can go wrong will go wrong". It is used as either a purely sarcastic musing that things always go wrong, or, less frequently, a reflection of the mathematical idea that, given a sufficiently long time, an event which is possible (non-zero probability) will almost surely take place. Although, in this case, emphasis is put on the possible bad occurrences. (thank you Wikipedia, genius that thou art.)

In this blog I would like to forward Larry's Law. Larry's Law, in essence, states that anytime you find yourself making some money that will give you a chance to breathe a little easier when the credit cards come due, a sudden windfall that will actually allow you to relax a smidge, Larry's Law will affect the situation and put you right behind the eight ball where you have always been!

Example, please, Mr. Heagle.

Let's say that with the present economy you have not been able to find gainful employment in your chosen field. Let's say that it has gotten so bad that all three credit cards are maxed out and you have to scramble just to meet the minimum payment amount each month.

It has gotten so desperate with you that when you are alone musing about your situation you start becoming deliriously desperate. So desperate that you begin considering talking with the local board of education to see what courses you will need to allow you to (gulp) substitute teach. You even begin discussing it OUT LOUD with your spouse over your third night of macaroni and cheese.

But instead, you take the easy way out. You gather up your precious collection of National Football League Reebok jerseys, a task that has taken you three years of hard bargaining and missed opportunities on eBay to acquire: the illusive Archie Manning, the esoteric Christian Okoye, the forgotten Packer quarterback Don "Majic Man" Majkowski, the even more forgotten back up quarterback to Brett Favre in 1995. one TJ Rubley, whose name and number 12 still will draw the acrimony of Green Bay Packer fans if you are stupid enough to wear it in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

You even sell all of your Brett Favre heavy knit, stitched numeral, home and away jerseys, the ones that people forked over $110.00 each just to wear in to the game on game day.

And lastly, you cry a lone tear that freezes to your cheek as you lug the bubble wrapped, loosened stringed, big Harmony 12 string guitar, entombed in a bicycle box, surrounded by huge sheets of very large bubble wrap for its long , long journey to Upstate New York. Good bye Gordy Bischoff installed fresh neck set; good bye jingly jangly Birds tunes; hello to someone else's hands playing Huddie Ledbetter;s "Good Night Irene".

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, the winds change direction. The booking telephone begins to inexplicably ring with job offers - something that hasn't occurred in months if not years. Out of nowhere, suddenly your calendar sprouts four paying gigs - oh, not the high dollar you used to draw before Dubbya sucked the country dry with his own little war to avenge his daddy, but money nontheless! And you find yourself whistling a happy tune upon rising in the morning, thinking about how NOW you will be bestowed with enough moola that you will be able to send twice the payment amount to Ms. Discover, Mr. Mastercard , and that vixen Visa.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! T'is time for Larry's Law to rear its ugly visage. First you slip on the ice left behind by the 'Sconsin January thaw", and you do an ugly back flip onto your left ankle and realize as you lie face down in the snow that the white hot searing pain emanating from said ankle is telling you that the rules have changed in an instant. As you fumble in the pocket of your pea coat for the cell phone (I knew some day I would have a real reason for having purchased that thing) all you can hear in your head is the old lady in the commercial, crying out in distress: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

So you go through the necessary steps to begin convalescence: x-rays, yards and yards of ace bandage, a splint, and yards and yards more of ace bandage; all on a saturday of course, never on a regular work day. (Larry's Law, stipulation #2). But with the help of dear lady wife disguised as Florence Nightingale, you rally your spirits and proclaim that no stinkng broken ankle shall force you to miss out on those bookings!

You make it through your first public appearance at The Red Parrot with flying colors - mainly black and blue toes emerging from within all that ace bandage. The audience receives the comedy warmly and attentively. Aha! says you. Larry's Law be damned! Thou shalt not stop a comedian on a roll! You felt so accomplished that Nurse Kim was convinced to join the performer at Perkins and the destruction of a full order of Eggs Benedict.

Friday - a rest day. The bungalow beckoned with paper work but it can wait. Let's begin in ernest on said catch up on saturday. You remember saturday? Larry's Law loves saturdays. Nurse Kim deposits me at the bungalow around 11 AM and you begin to go through receipts and catching up on e mails of import -- around 6PM you notice that your hands and ears are cold. You also remember that since your nurse's contract does not include chopping up kindling and carrying in sufficient firewood for the day, that you have asked that the thermostat be cranked all the way up to a balmy 72 degrees, that your ears and hands should not, in fact, be cold in the least. So you roll yourself into the bathroom which has a very prevalent heat duct. lean over and put an already chilled hand into the air stream and it is cold. You roll back out to where the thermostat resides and it is indeed set at 72 degrees but the actual temperature is now standing at 58 degrees.

You call the house nurse who suggests a call to your furnace man with Smith Heating and Air Conditioning and because it is the WEEKEND, you get the lady in charge of fielding the calls of the helpless and hopeless that have fallen, once again, into the principle of Larry's Law.

Wthin an hour the technician arrives and goes to work. Twice he tells you it is fixed - the bill now is over $200 - but he decides he'd better hang around a while - "just in case." Twenty minutes later he is back at the door to tell you it is still problematic. Together we get a goodly fire stared in the stove and it is warming up.

He finally declares problem solved, hopefully, and departs after telling you that the bill is now in Larry Law territory. The fire in the stove is slowly dying and it feels a lot cooler in here. Could it be your imagination? You decide it is time to close out of this blog and further discuss a plan of attack for over night. Larry's Law dictates frozen pipes by morning.

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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

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I became very confused when I heard
the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.


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Larry's proverbs....




1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future… Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.




---------------------------------

Sven and Ole are walking down a street
in Madison, Wisconsin, when they see a sign
on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Sven says to his pal, "Looky here!
We could buy a whole gob of dese,
take 'em back to Duluth, sell 'em to our friends,
and make a fortune.

Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay?

Just let me do the talkin'
'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant,
and try to cheat us.

Now, I'll try not to sound like we're from Minnesota.

They go in and Sven says with his best Wisconsin accent,
"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,
100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.

I'll back up my pickup and ...."

The owner of the shop interrupts,
"You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Sven.
"How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

__________________________________________________________

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds That believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about it!'

_______________________________________________________
A woman was having a baby.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....spank him again!'

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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"

as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ..... On any land. No questions asked or answers given.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,

and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools,

runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs

“Your badge ... Show him your BADGE!"


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