HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I MAY BE UGLY BUT I'M PRETTIER THAN ADRIAN'S FUMBILITIS

Mcfarlane's Toys is always on the cutting edge when it comes to producing sports action figures. I have several in a collection of greats at my office: Jim Brown, Ahman Green, Bart Starr, and way too many of old man Favre. And just because Jared Allen makes public appearances in cutoffs and cowboy boots doesn't mean that he is gay either. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now, just less than a week from the Viqueens latest choke job, they have already introduced the new Adrian Peterson Action Figure! By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Peterson and Favre are opening a bakery in Edina featuring nothing but turn overs. That is only a rumor.
Kim thinks I am crazy for publishing this very unflattering picture of yours truly ready to face the night. I am past having any self respect or delusions that I am in any way lovely so what the heck?

The sleep doctor and I are still trying to find the right combination of paraphernalia that will solve the sleep apnea problem, and this is the latest configuration. First I pull on the light brown elastic head and chin strap, designed to keep my mouth from popping open during sleep. Then I put on the sleep apnea nose mask which I pull on over the top of my head and it rests so that I end up breathing through my nose all night. If I stop breathing, the machine kicks in and blows air up my nostrils, forcing me to breathe unknowingly and unwittingly.

The head phones are actually a no-no, but sometimes I slip them on to watch and (hear) the John Stewart Daily Show and Stephen Colbert's antics which follow John Stewart.

I think this latest combination seems to be working better than everything we have tried thus far.

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For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

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AND THIS JUST IN FROM MY SISTER-IN-LAW, KRISTI (whom I hate because of it!) Here I am in pain with a broken ankle! How very insensitive!

I absolutely love this, thought I'd share it. Have a great day. Kristi

Loving someone doesn't mean we must take away that person's pain. In fact, that may be the most unloving thing we can do. Each of us has a mission, and learning how to handle rough situations is a normal part of our journey. Not letting a loved one grow through his or her painful experiences steals the joy that accompanies having survived and learned from difficulties.

"Letting our friends and loved ones suffer the pain of growth is showing compassion in its purest form.

"I can love others without trying to solve their problems. Today I will keep my focus on my own experiences, not those of my loved ones."


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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really badvibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido: All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


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