HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Monday, February 15, 2010

CHEER UP, HE SAID, THINGS COULD BE WORSE

Remember the old saying: "He told me to cheer up and that things could be worse. so I cheered up and he was right - things got worse."?

Well, I am beginning to feel like the Bible's Job, the man with the black cloud overhead. Last night I went in for my second round of sleep study as the computer results from my CPAP machine's card were not good last friday. The card indicated that not only did I stop breathing many times during the course of a night's "rest", but in addition, my heart would actually pause -- sometimes for up to five seconds.

So, as I mentioned in last thursday's entry, they had me wear a heart holter. The results were consistent with the read outs from my CPAP machine.

So, back to last night's sleep study. I had a really rough night of it. When I finally called the technician in at 6 AM as I had started to become somewhat claustrophobic from wearing a full face mask (I actually had a sneezing jag with it in place - now that's a real trip! Thought I was gonna blow what's left of my tiny brain right out my ears!) she came in, pulled the apparatus off me and said: "You scared the shit outa me last night!"
"why?" I asked
"Because all night long your heart would stop beating for a few seconds but at five this morning, it stopped for EIGHT SECONDS STRAIGHT!"

So home I went with Kim and we started making phone calls right after 8 AM to the cardiologist. He, of course, would be in surgery all day today and wouldn't be able to see me until wednesday afternoon.

So here I am, at my friends, Stan and Tom Johnson's house in Windsor, Wisconsin, so that I am in position to perform in Arena, Wisconsin tomorrow at 12:30 for a farm coop luncheon. That may sound worrisome but hey! This is obviously a condition I have had for at least two years. I know this because my regular doctor was unhappy with my pulse that long ago. It has been in the low 40's.

Last night the lowest was 31 beats per minute. I may be a vampire.

So now it is time to take steps to fix this. It is very fixable. I need a pace maker and I need it as quickly as I can get an appointment to have it installed.

I googled installing pace maker and it ain't no biggie. A week of discomfort and I am on my way. Back to concentrating on my other minor problems - sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, and a broken ankle.

As the hill billies on Hee Haw used to say: Life gets tejous, don't it?

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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned
to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages..
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left
to be of any use?"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and
send them back to the bandage company and every now and then
they send us a free box of bandages.
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap
him with an
unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the
manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of
plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?
"Here, too, we do not waste,"
answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the
little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you
ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the
river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
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Say good night, folks. Good night folks.

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