HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

"LEFTIES" PROPOSE THE NEW BLUE UNITES STATES OF AMERICA

Soaking my tire and sore bones this morning in the office bath tub, I came across interesting statistics:

29 men have experienced a sudden loss of hearing related to the use of erectile-dysfunction drugs since their inception. WHAT?

48 per cent of Americans say they would rather help someone move than deal with a computer problem. (To them, I say, you shoulda bought a MAC!)

34 per cent of Americans believe in ghosts.

Which reminds me of a joke:

One day, on her show, Oprah was discussing the phenomena of ghosts. She asked her studio audience: "By a show of hands, how many of you believe in ghosts?"

A number of hands went up.

"Interesting," Oprah said. "How many of you believe you have actually seen a ghost?"

This time a significantly smaller number of hands were raised.

"Oh, I see a lot less hands raised," Oprah said.

Then Oprah said: "Is there anybody here who has had sex with a ghost?"

In the back of the room, an elderly man raised his hand.

"Sir," Oprah said excitedly, moving toward him, "You have had sex with a ghost?"

"Oh -- Oh, no! "he replied, "I thought you said goat!"

And speaking of Oprah, after appearing on her show to promote her cook book, Jessica Seinfeld gave the host TWENTY ONE pair of shoes that in total cost more than $16,000.

No wonder people say that Oprah is "well heeled"!

MORE STATISTICS

The U.S. military is paying some 70,000 former Iraqi insurgents $10 a day each to fight Al Queda instead of American forces.

In the recent presidential campaigning, candidates spent almost $50 million campaigning in the Iowa caucuses -- that comes to around $200 a vote.

Brazil, home to the world's largest Catholic population, gave out 19.5 million free condoms before Carnival.

From December 2006 to December 2007 the number of unemployed Americans with a least a bachelor's degree rose by 153, 000.

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An open letter from my "lefty" friends To Republicans

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't
aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Illinois and all of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California.


To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We
get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and
Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We
get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro gay-rights, pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want
all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently
willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care
if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the
pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95
percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90
percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of
the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all
Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists,
Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of
Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah
was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is
sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun
laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazies
believe you are the people with higher morals then we "lefties."

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Want to see Bill O'Reilly at his finest? enter the following URL:

www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/05/palin-didnt-know-africa-i_n_141653.html

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And in the interest of keeping things light (or as they sing in "The Producers" -- "keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay!":

Why Parents Drink...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman and the priest , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive..

Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..

' ME ! '

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