HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Important Tips For The Next Time You Go Out To Hear Live Music

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it
goes something like this" then hum a few bars! We have a chip
implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite
tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar & all songs ever
recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.
Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if
need be ... it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on.
Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band
will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the
band still claims to not know your song, it helps to just keep
requesting the same song every time there is a break.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!"
Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor
are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger.
Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly
promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers & jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to
what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy,
even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your
request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band
that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous
band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country
band. It's the law. Feel free to yell AC DC or SLAYER!! to a band that
plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads
may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her
head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding
their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an
invitation to a friendly & playful game of tug of war between their
head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in
the back, protected by the guitar players.

Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, & only play the
game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though
difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.
They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way
is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same
time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that
we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound
blasting all around us. Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a
musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune,
it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to
read your lips.

Simply continue to scream your request & be sure to over emphasize the
words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions & sing at the same
time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately,
regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude.
We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain
standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel
free to walk up on stage & join in. By the way, the drunker you are,
the better you sound, & the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up &
attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band
more than outrageous dancing, third & fourth part harmonies, or a
tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cow bell, they love the
challenge. The band always needs the help & will take this as a
compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the
bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The
band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you
have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you
immediately the following day to offer you a position.


See you at the next gig ... The Band


________________________________________________________________

No comments: