Thursday, February 24, 2011
I HATE EVERYONE - NOT A FAR FETCHED FRAME OF MIND
I love this photograph! Particularly the juxtaposition of her smiling face with the saying on her tee shirt.
The following is from my latest stand up monologue. This is copyright material:
What's old, gray, has two thumbs and smells faintly of urine? (point both thumbs at chest)
I told my physician that joke and he said: "Oh, you aren't old!"
I said, It's a joke, Doc, it's a joke!"
Some time ago I was asked to do a show for the residents of the nursing home in Wabasha, Minnesota. Upon arriving the lady in charge asked where I would like to set up my speakers. I told her not too close to the residents as older people do not like loud sounds, so would she ask a gentleman in the corner to move.
She went over to him and had the following conversation:
"Mr. Johnson. would you mind moving so that Mr. Heagle can put a speaker here?"
"Becasue he's an asshole!"
Mr. Johnson, I'm sure you don't mean that!"
Yes I do - he's an asshole!"
She came back to me red- faced with embarrassment.
"I'm afraid Mr. Johinson's having a bad day," she said.
"No, I said, "I think he knows me."
And it was right then and there that I decided that this is how I want to be if I live to be 90! And I wanna still be driving! Cuz I'm gonna drive with a loaded revolver on the passenger seat. I 'll be making that left turn (and I won't be signaling because I'm from Wisconsin) and those red and blue lights will come on behind me - I'll pull over and that cop will stick his head in the window and see that loaded gun and he'll say:
"Sir - is that gun loaded?"
And I'll say: "well, officer, it wouldn't do me a lot of good if it wasn't now would it?"
And I won't have to worry about assisted housing for at least five years. Three meals, a warm bed, and a government employee to change my Depends? Life don't get no better than that!
I know I'm getting old. Everything has either dried up or leaks.
I know I'm getting old because my get up and go, got up and went!
And my memory is shot. I think that's why I have begun to gain weight again. I can't remember whether I exercised or not. I look down at my feet - if I got my tennis shoes on, I figure I did it and I go watch television.
My wife is not happy about the weight gain. And she reads to me from Prevention Magazine. I hate that magazine. I'll be watching Packer football and she'll say:
"You know, Larry, it says here in Prevention Magazine that if you'd just take a half an hour walk after dinner, it would improve your sex life."
I said: "Honey, I don't think I know anybody that lives that close to the house."
Got pretty quiet on the couch after that.
And now that I am a codger, I have begun to think more about death. I have decided I want to die like my grand father did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car were at the tme.
And when I die I want everyone who knew me to say: "Did you hear? Larry Heagle died?"
"HE OWES ME MONEY!"
My health has gone down hill steadily since the end of the 1990's. I like to compare my body to that of a classic car. I'm hard to get started in the morning and my rear end leaks.
I had low back surgery - and got a new suspension. Then I went thru a triple bypass - now I have a rebuilt engine. I've broken both legs at least once - and I have a new knee - so It's new shock absorbers all around.
Then out comes my gall bladder - I guess that was an attempt to install a new muffler? But judging by the amount of pollution I expel, I'd say that my muffler system is not up to emission standards!
I know I am really getting old because now young women are opening doors for me. I hate that.
Oh, yeh - I can relate to I HATE EVERYTHING!