HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - city of big bottoms and small minds.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

WITH ST PATRICK'S DAY NEAR -- THIS ONE'S FOR FUN

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but
interesting!

fi yuo cna
raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe
out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
Each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
The Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
Who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

***********************************************
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.FK Airport and wandered
Around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

***********************************************
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
And gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
And then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
And watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
And one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
And the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
Are falling' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
And one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
One of the girls must be quite ill."

***********************************************
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
Were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
From a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
He rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
Stated that he could only deliver one wish,
Not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
And immediately the entire sea turned into
The finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
Broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
Whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

***********************************************
The Fall
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
In his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
He felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"

(And saving the best for last...)
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
And maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
But he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep
As soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning
To his wife standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."


In honor of the mother of the octuplets,

Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal:

The Octo-Slam. You get fourteen eggs, no sausage,

and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker inO'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five finish playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me..'

Gallagher goes over t
o Murphy's house and knocks on the
door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher..

-------

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a
sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised,
and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended
yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's bosom,
and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'

----
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,
'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the
drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and
folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf.'

------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn
gun...'

-----------

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the
drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either.

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single
roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

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