WHADDAYA KNOW! THE TEAM I WAS PULLING FOR PULLED IT OUT!

OPINION


Gregg Rosenthal

New Orleans is a city that understands what it means to live in the moment. On Sunday night, in the first Super Bowl appearance in the Saints’ 43-year history, they played in the moment. They coached in the moment.

They could have played not to lose. Instead they went after their first NFL title. By doing so, the Saints aggressively swiped Peyton Manning’s chance to win a second crown.

The Saints spotted Indianapolis 10 points, and then took control of the game. They did it by remaining patient on offense, tackling better, and never showing Manning the same look on defense twice.

Oh, and Sean Payton made the gutsiest play call imaginable.

The “ambush”
The most famous onside kick in Super Bowl history was called “ambush.” We can’t think of a more fitting description to what the Saints did to the Colts.

Seriously, who calls an onside kick down 10-6 to open the second half of the Super Bowl? If the play didn’t work, Payton would have been crucified.

Payton told his team all week to expect the play. They practiced it again and again, and he felt like they had a 70 percent chance of recovering the ball. When Payton told the team at halftime that the kick was coming at halftime, the players loved it.

“We all knew we were going to get it,” linebacker Scott Fujita said. “There was no doubt about it.”

Payton was so sure he was going to call the play, he told the officials before the game. They asked Payton what the kick would look like if it was called. He said, “It’s not an if.”

Pierre Thomas, still breathing heavy 45 minutes after the game, couldn’t stop shaking his head in disbelief about the win. But the onside kick made perfect sense to him.

“Well, we knew all week that their return team would jump — you know, take a step back real quick before the ball is even kicked. … We did it at the right time.”

The image of the Colts retreating while the Saints charged forward is appropriate. Even when the Saints failed, it seemed like they were going for broke.

Payton’s propensity for aggressive calls didn’t always work. He chose to go for a touchdown on fourth-and-goal from the one-yard line late in the first half, and the Saints were stuffed. What could have been a huge boost for the Colts instead turned into a footnote.

The Colts’ strategy after their goal-line stand was symbolic of the rest of the game. Indianapolis had a chance to try drive for a score with Peyton Manning, football’s best quarterback at the two-minute drive. Instead, they called three straight running plays.

The Saints stuffed a third-and-one run by Mike Hart, then punted back to the Saints. New Orleans drove for a quick field goal to cut the halftime score to 10-6. The Saints won by going for broke. The Colts lost by running plays to Mike Hart.

Biggest key to the Saints' upset win?
Drew Brees outplayed Petyon Manning
Dwight Freeney not 100 percent for Colts
Sean Payton's gutsy calls, namely the onside kick to start the second half
Tracy Porter's 74-yard interception return for TD late in game

“They stuck to their game plan more than we stuck to ours,” Colts defensive tackle Dan Muir said.

Even the Saints’ haircuts were more aggressive. Could you imagine one of the Colts shaving “SB 44” into his head like Saints cornerback Tracy Porter did before the big game?

Porter, of course, provided the game’s biggest play by jumping in front of a Peyton Manning pass and taking it 74 yards for the game’s final score. The Saints changed their defensive looks all night, from a 3-4 alignment to 4-3 and back. They blitzed from a variety of places, including multiple times right before Porter’s interception.

“That series of plays, trying to set up the route and hopefully set the formation that they would call, it kind of fell into our place right there,” said defensive coordinator Gregg Williams.

Strategy is nice, of course, but you still need heroes to make the magic happen. And Williams relied on his underrated crew of players.

“To be an aggressive playcaller, you have to have players that can play,” Porter said afterward, still beaming. “And to have the guys the guys on defense that can make the plays that we make, Gregg’s philosophy and the players on our team, it’s like a match made in heaven.”

Williams got an assist on that call from some of his heady players.

“Our linebackers did a great job of convincing me that the next time we got in that situation to call that pressure … they suggested to me about three or four plays before that to make sure I come back to that on that down and distance again,” Williams said.

The smarts of the linebacker crew also showed up earlier in the fourth quarter. The Colts had a 17-16 lead and faced a third-and-11 from the Saints’ 33. Middle linebacker Jonathan Vilma was set to blitz, but changed the play at the last minute.

Instead of pressuring Manning, Vilma sprinted back from the line of scrimmage to break up a long pass attempt to Austin Collie. It was perhaps the game’s most underrated play and combined Vilma’s intelligence with his athleticism. It may have saved a touchdown.

Drew Brees deserves all the praise he gets Monday, but the Saints’ defense had a huge part in this win. The Saints were the league’s highest scoring team this year, but it wasn’t all about the offense. The team’s defense had an uncanny knack of converting turnovers into points.

The Super Bowl hype began with Williams’ call for his players to record some “remember me” hits on Manning. They didn’t get to the quarterback as much as they hoped, but they maintained a bloodthirsty attitude throughout the game.

“We wanted to get hitting Manning and throw off his timing,” Darren Sharper said. “We thought we forced two first ballot Hall of Famers into retirement — we’ll see about Brett — our goal was to try to get a third.”

Manning certainly isn’t going to retire, but he will remember this game for the rest of his life as the title that got away. But if he’s honest with himself, he’ll realize the Colts didn’t lose this one.

The Saints took it from him.

___________________________________________________________________________

So let's see. Kim and I have been married for thirty three years. And it took me that long to figure out that the real "handyman" in this couple is not the "handy MAN", it is in fact the Handy Woman.

While Kim was cruising about the Caribbean I took it upon myself to go to Menard's and order some new hinges for the "beneath the sink" cupboard doors. (I figured I could make a lot of Manly Points with the spouse if upon her return, the cupboard doors actually closed by themselves the way they used to.

The first clue that should have given me away was that when I arrived at the cabinets and cupboards desk, I arrived empty handed instead of unscrewing one of the offending hinges and bringing it with me to show the expert at the desk.

He wanted to know whether it was a knife hinge or not. Hell, I didn't know. What the hell is a knife hinge? So he showed me all the various hinges mounted prominently on big boards in the hinge area.

Duh, I don't know. I better go home and remove one of the hinges so we can tell. So I drive back home, get down on my back so I can remove the bottom most hinge on the offending door with "Helper Hammy" the cat's face right next to mine and his paws wrapped around the screw driver.

Back to Menard's hinge in hand to find out it is, in deed, a "knife" hinge. I will never know why it's called a knife hinge but it is!

Great! I need four of them then. Oh, we don't carry them in stock. We will have to order them for you. It will take a bit over a week before they are in.

Foot note: See Larry's Law, part three: The first rule of any retail business in Eau Claire is "we don't have it, but we can get it for you." So much for gaining manly points upon Kim's return.

By the time Menard's calls to tell me the package is in, Kim is home and I have broken my ankle.

So together we go back to Menard's. We return to the house and I tell Kim that if I can just get down on my back on the floor I can install these knife hinges, oh yes, I can.

That is quickly vetoed by my partner who straight away goes to her walk in closet, returns with the proper tools and allows me to watch her work - and hold the door at the correct angle.

Hammy the Helper arrives again to lend his expertise in chewing on the blade of the screw driver while it is in use. Secretly I marvel at how Kim doesn't chastise or cast him aside with harsh words as someone else did a week ago. Instead, she encourages his presence with baby talk questions like: "Is you mommy's little helper?" "You are such a good kitty!"

I watch in stunned amazement as Kim changes the hinges without breaking a nervous sweat and when she stands to admire her work, I spontaneously break into applause because the door does exactly what it's supposed to do!

Then, as she turns on her heel to put away her tools, she says: "Whoever installed these doors didn't have a clue! Look how much lower this door hangs than the other - shoddy workmanship."

And she's right, you know.

She is like a Goddess to me.

________________________________________________________

THE PETER PRINCIPLE, MURPHY'S LAW, AND NOW LARRY'S LAW

So you have all heard of the "Peter Principle" wherein executives rise to the level of their complete incompetence. Then there's "Murphy's Law" which put simply says "anything that can go wrong will go wrong". It is used as either a purely sarcastic musing that things always go wrong, or, less frequently, a reflection of the mathematical idea that, given a sufficiently long time, an event which is possible (non-zero probability) will almost surely take place. Although, in this case, emphasis is put on the possible bad occurrences. (thank you Wikipedia, genius that thou art.)

In this blog I would like to forward Larry's Law. Larry's Law, in essence, states that anytime you find yourself making some money that will give you a chance to breathe a little easier when the credit cards come due, a sudden windfall that will actually allow you to relax a smidge, Larry's Law will affect the situation and put you right behind the eight ball where you have always been!

Example, please, Mr. Heagle.

Let's say that with the present economy you have not been able to find gainful employment in your chosen field. Let's say that it has gotten so bad that all three credit cards are maxed out and you have to scramble just to meet the minimum payment amount each month.

It has gotten so desperate with you that when you are alone musing about your situation you start becoming deliriously desperate. So desperate that you begin considering talking with the local board of education to see what courses you will need to allow you to (gulp) substitute teach. You even begin discussing it OUT LOUD with your spouse over your third night of macaroni and cheese.

But instead, you take the easy way out. You gather up your precious collection of National Football League Reebok jerseys, a task that has taken you three years of hard bargaining and missed opportunities on eBay to acquire: the illusive Archie Manning, the esoteric Christian Okoye, the forgotten Packer quarterback Don "Majic Man" Majkowski, the even more forgotten back up quarterback to Brett Favre in 1995. one TJ Rubley, whose name and number 12 still will draw the acrimony of Green Bay Packer fans if you are stupid enough to wear it in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

You even sell all of your Brett Favre heavy knit, stitched numeral, home and away jerseys, the ones that people forked over $110.00 each just to wear in to the game on game day.

And lastly, you cry a lone tear that freezes to your cheek as you lug the bubble wrapped, loosened stringed, big Harmony 12 string guitar, entombed in a bicycle box, surrounded by huge sheets of very large bubble wrap for its long , long journey to Upstate New York. Good bye Gordy Bischoff installed fresh neck set; good bye jingly jangly Birds tunes; hello to someone else's hands playing Huddie Ledbetter;s "Good Night Irene".

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, the winds change direction. The booking telephone begins to inexplicably ring with job offers - something that hasn't occurred in months if not years. Out of nowhere, suddenly your calendar sprouts four paying gigs - oh, not the high dollar you used to draw before Dubbya sucked the country dry with his own little war to avenge his daddy, but money nontheless! And you find yourself whistling a happy tune upon rising in the morning, thinking about how NOW you will be bestowed with enough moola that you will be able to send twice the payment amount to Ms. Discover, Mr. Mastercard , and that vixen Visa.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! T'is time for Larry's Law to rear its ugly visage. First you slip on the ice left behind by the 'Sconsin January thaw", and you do an ugly back flip onto your left ankle and realize as you lie face down in the snow that the white hot searing pain emanating from said ankle is telling you that the rules have changed in an instant. As you fumble in the pocket of your pea coat for the cell phone (I knew some day I would have a real reason for having purchased that thing) all you can hear in your head is the old lady in the commercial, crying out in distress: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

So you go through the necessary steps to begin convalescence: x-rays, yards and yards of ace bandage, a splint, and yards and yards more of ace bandage; all on a saturday of course, never on a regular work day. (Larry's Law, stipulation #2). But with the help of dear lady wife disguised as Florence Nightingale, you rally your spirits and proclaim that no stinkng broken ankle shall force you to miss out on those bookings!

You make it through your first public appearance at The Red Parrot with flying colors - mainly black and blue toes emerging from within all that ace bandage. The audience receives the comedy warmly and attentively. Aha! says you. Larry's Law be damned! Thou shalt not stop a comedian on a roll! You felt so accomplished that Nurse Kim was convinced to join the performer at Perkins and the destruction of a full order of Eggs Benedict.

Friday - a rest day. The bungalow beckoned with paper work but it can wait. Let's begin in ernest on said catch up on saturday. You remember saturday? Larry's Law loves saturdays. Nurse Kim deposits me at the bungalow around 11 AM and you begin to go through receipts and catching up on e mails of import -- around 6PM you notice that your hands and ears are cold. You also remember that since your nurse's contract does not include chopping up kindling and carrying in sufficient firewood for the day, that you have asked that the thermostat be cranked all the way up to a balmy 72 degrees, that your ears and hands should not, in fact, be cold in the least. So you roll yourself into the bathroom which has a very prevalent heat duct. lean over and put an already chilled hand into the air stream and it is cold. You roll back out to where the thermostat resides and it is indeed set at 72 degrees but the actual temperature is now standing at 58 degrees.

You call the house nurse who suggests a call to your furnace man with Smith Heating and Air Conditioning and because it is the WEEKEND, you get the lady in charge of fielding the calls of the helpless and hopeless that have fallen, once again, into the principle of Larry's Law.

Wthin an hour the technician arrives and goes to work. Twice he tells you it is fixed - the bill now is over $200 - but he decides he'd better hang around a while - "just in case." Twenty minutes later he is back at the door to tell you it is still problematic. Together we get a goodly fire stared in the stove and it is warming up.

He finally declares problem solved, hopefully, and departs after telling you that the bill is now in Larry Law territory. The fire in the stove is slowly dying and it feels a lot cooler in here. Could it be your imagination? You decide it is time to close out of this blog and further discuss a plan of attack for over night. Larry's Law dictates frozen pipes by morning.

__________________________________________________________________

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

____________________________________________________________

I became very confused when I heard
the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.


________________________________________________________

Larry's proverbs....




1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future… Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.




---------------------------------

Sven and Ole are walking down a street
in Madison, Wisconsin, when they see a sign
on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each,
shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Sven says to his pal, "Looky here!
We could buy a whole gob of dese,
take 'em back to Duluth, sell 'em to our friends,
and make a fortune.

Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay?

Just let me do the talkin'
'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're ignorant,
and try to cheat us.

Now, I'll try not to sound like we're from Minnesota.

They go in and Sven says with his best Wisconsin accent,
"I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,
100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each,
and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.

I'll back up my pickup and ...."

The owner of the shop interrupts,
"You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Sven.
"How'd you know dat!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

__________________________________________________________

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds That believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy
about it!'

_______________________________________________________
A woman was having a baby.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. The mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....spank him again!'

_____________________________________________________

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there,"

as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ..... On any land. No questions asked or answers given.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......



With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,

and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools,

runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs

“Your badge ... Show him your BADGE!"


_______________________________________________________________

RED PARROT PUTS LARRY BACK IN THE SADDLE

Took my broken ankle to work with me last night. It wasn't really thrilled about going but I fed it some pain pills and that seemed to satisfy it's broken "ness" for much of the evening. It was my first shot at getting a crowd at The Red Parrot, formerly the Chinese restaurant. I sent out e mails to everyone on my address list within forty miles and by the time 6:30 PM rolled around I had the start of a crowd with more coming in.

Overall, It was a good start at a new venue to me and despite the broken ankle, I made it through with flying colors. Unfortunately, the only colors showing today are in the protruding toes of my left foot - the dominant colors being black and blue.

It was a return engagement of sorts as some years ago, I was hired to play at Jimmy Woo's 50th anniversary. That one ended in a quick disaster as whoever hooked up power to the outside area where the celebration was being held, mistakenly hooked the power to a 220 outlet instead o a 110 and when I snapped my P.A. amp on, it of course "POOF" and my board was fried.

After the gig litigations with owner Lily Woo became rather cantankerous as she insisted my insurance, not hers, should pay for the amplifier repair. This went on for some months and finally was settled when her insurance company did pay - although the board was never the same again.

At any rate, the new owner, Terry, seemed pleased with my performance although somewhat disappointed at the size of the crowd drawn. Hopefully I have found a new spot to work here in Eau Claire!

________________________________________________________________________

This was sent to me by Kevin Johnson. It has been going around the net quite a bit lately but you might find it usefu





Wow! Now we know!!



GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy
Downpour.

We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily. This method was told by a police officer friend who had experienced and confirmed it.

It is very useful... Even while driving at night. Most motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windshield is still bad.

In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do,) and like a miracle... All of a sudden your visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him/her this idea.

Try it yourself and share it with your friends!
Amazingly, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.

You can see where the rain bounces off the road. It works to eliminate the "blindness" from passing
Semi's' spraying you, too... Or the "kickup" if you are following a semi or another car in the rain. They ought to teach this little tip in driver's training. It really does work.

CRUISE CONTROL AND HYDROPLANING


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totaled her car.

Being a resident of Kilgore , Texas , she was traveling between Gladewater & Kilgore. It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence.

When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.

But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

The patrolman said this warning should be listed on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag
Warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive at a safe speed, but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry. The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman) was a man who had a similar accident. He totaled his car and sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control
When the windshield wipers are on.

____________________________________________________________

CALL YOUR ERECTRICIAN!

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads.
Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....





I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend. He e-mailed back: "If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your erectrician."











------ End of Forwarded Message

I MAY BE UGLY BUT I'M PRETTIER THAN ADRIAN'S FUMBILITIS

Mcfarlane's Toys is always on the cutting edge when it comes to producing sports action figures. I have several in a collection of greats at my office: Jim Brown, Ahman Green, Bart Starr, and way too many of old man Favre. And just because Jared Allen makes public appearances in cutoffs and cowboy boots doesn't mean that he is gay either. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Now, just less than a week from the Viqueens latest choke job, they have already introduced the new Adrian Peterson Action Figure! By the way, there is no truth to the rumor that Peterson and Favre are opening a bakery in Edina featuring nothing but turn overs. That is only a rumor.
Kim thinks I am crazy for publishing this very unflattering picture of yours truly ready to face the night. I am past having any self respect or delusions that I am in any way lovely so what the heck?

The sleep doctor and I are still trying to find the right combination of paraphernalia that will solve the sleep apnea problem, and this is the latest configuration. First I pull on the light brown elastic head and chin strap, designed to keep my mouth from popping open during sleep. Then I put on the sleep apnea nose mask which I pull on over the top of my head and it rests so that I end up breathing through my nose all night. If I stop breathing, the machine kicks in and blows air up my nostrils, forcing me to breathe unknowingly and unwittingly.

The head phones are actually a no-no, but sometimes I slip them on to watch and (hear) the John Stewart Daily Show and Stephen Colbert's antics which follow John Stewart.

I think this latest combination seems to be working better than everything we have tried thus far.

_____________________________________________________________

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them..
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

__________________________________________________________
AND THIS JUST IN FROM MY SISTER-IN-LAW, KRISTI (whom I hate because of it!) Here I am in pain with a broken ankle! How very insensitive!

I absolutely love this, thought I'd share it. Have a great day. Kristi

Loving someone doesn't mean we must take away that person's pain. In fact, that may be the most unloving thing we can do. Each of us has a mission, and learning how to handle rough situations is a normal part of our journey. Not letting a loved one grow through his or her painful experiences steals the joy that accompanies having survived and learned from difficulties.

"Letting our friends and loved ones suffer the pain of growth is showing compassion in its purest form.

"I can love others without trying to solve their problems. Today I will keep my focus on my own experiences, not those of my loved ones."


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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really badvibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

10. Glibido: All talk and no action.

11. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


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LIFE CAN TURN IN A MATTER OF SECONDS - JUST LIKE A BROKEN ANKLE

Okay, so last year I slipped and fell due to icy conditions once with no damage done. This winter has been a bit different.
Coming out of the office bungalow about three weeks ago, I took a header into the snow bank next to my walkway from the bottom step (there's only two). I lay there for a moment, taking pain inventory and everything seemed to be okay and it turns out that other than some bruising, it was.
Which brings me to this past saturday, January 30. I had been working furiously at the office all last week listing "stuff" on eBay and then this week making daily runs to the post office to mail out said stuff. In fact I was really having a good time of it, packaging, mailing taping, addressing, and making a daily late afternoon beeline for the post office to fill my orders for that day.

Which brings me to saturday, January 29th. I was up early, wanting to save my stove at the bungalow by leveling out the coals and adding some smaller dry wood to keep the bungalow cozy while I worked on answering eBay questions, and finishing up the second round of re-listing items that didn't sell the week before. By 11 AM I was pretty much caught up and decided to take an e mail I got from my sister-in-law on how to test someone to see if they have just had a stroke or blood clot and type it up in larger print to be posted on the refrigerator at the house.

I finished that project, slipped my pea coat on, and left via the side door to head back to the house to show Kim my handiwork. I made my way along the narrow walkway to the two steps that lead down to the ground, all the while perusing my leaflet. I started down the steps, when my right foot hit the first step down, I stepped right on a patch of ice and the next I knew I was air borne - and came down with my left ankle masquerading as a foot! As I hit the snow bank face first I was more aware of the blinding, white hot pain emanating from my ankle than the cold of the snow. I knew this was not a fall from which I would rise up and be on my way.

I lay there for a couple of minutes then called Kim on my cell phone which I luckily had in my coat pocket. It rang five times, the answer machine kicked in and half way into my first sentence of explanation Kim picked up and got the rest of my tale of woe. She told me not to move and within minutes was by my side. By now, oddly, the pain had begun to subside quite a bit. With Kim's help I got to my feet and I hobbled my way to the house with Kim at my elbow.

Getting up the three steps into the house introduced a whole new set of problems and after several futil attempts I decided that crawling on hands and knees would work best. this I did until I reached the doorway. Then I rolled my way into the house, got help from Kim to the bed room to get a look, sans pants, at the ankle. It was now swollen garishly. Most of the pain was around that bone that sticks out just above low cut shoe line - on the inside of the ankle. After "marital discussion" it was decided that Kim would drive me to urgent care for x-rays.

The doctor on call took a look at it and requested the x-rays so a nurse wheeled me down to the lab and a pleasant young man took three pictures of the offending ankle. I was then retuned to the original room where we sat for some time. The doctor came in and told me that his assistant was much more proficient at wrapping ankles so there was more waiting.

When the assistant finally came in, he first wrapped the ankle with ace bandages, then put a sort of heavy cardboard layered with cotton batting on my lower leg, bending it so the middle was under my foot and then there were two equal sides running up both sides of the leg and fortified with yet more ace bandages until he achieved what you see in the accompanying pictures.

I was given a prescription for pain pills which we filled at Walgreen's just up the street from the clinic. We also purchased what turned out to be a somewhat unusable wheel chair and went home. I have spent most of sunday in bed trying to keep my foot higher than my head and mostly failing, hoping that the swelling will have subsided enough by tomorrow morning to have a hard cast put in place.

This, of course, happened because finally I started getting some gigs! I have a 6:30 PM - 9 PM shot as a single at the Red Parrot this coming thursday, a teachers inservice in Melrose-Mindoro on February 12th, and an afternoon luncheon show for a Cooperative near Madison on February 16th. And I will not miss any of those gigs! even if I have to crawl!

As they say in show business: THE SHOW MUST GO ON! And so it shall!

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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.


She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.


The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.


She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.


'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!

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Lost Generation