Heagle. It's Irish and Dutch. Which means I'll have a beer as long as you are buying.
MY VETERINARIAN IS ALSO A TAXIDERMIST - WHICH MEANS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I WILL GET MY CAT BACK
Answers to two questions everyone wants to know and are too polite to ask:
186 pounds naked
and my age? Somewhere between "NEVER TRUST A FART" and 'HELP - I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!"
You'd think after ten years of physical chaos ( a heart attack, quadruple bypass, a twice operated-on right leg, a twice broken left leg, a TIA, and a gall bladder removal I would weigh 105 pounds, tops.
I blame the weight gain on CRS. Can't remember stuff. I can't remember if I've exercised or not. I look down at my feet - if I got my tennis shoes on, I figure I did it and I go watch television.
My wife's not happy about the weight gain. She reads to me from Prevention Magazine. I hate that magazine.
"You know, Larry, it says here in Prevention Magazine if you just take a half an hour walk after dinner it'll improve you sex life."
I don't know anybody that lives that close to the house.
She also subscribes to Readers Digest.
A number of years ago Readers Digest had a story on how to save money for a vacation. Get a large pickle jar, put it under the bed. Every time you make love, you put a dollar in the pickle jar.
I thought that a great idea so i got myself one of those industrial-size Sam's Club pickle jars.
I dumped out the pickles
who needs pickles? I got a pickle of my own and it's taking me on vacation.
I left that pickle jar under the bed for nearly three years. Then I figured: "Time to check the pickle jar!"
There's gotta be at least eight dollars in there cuz I'm a hot kinda guy!
Three hundred twenty five dollars and 62 cents!
I said to my wife" "Where did all this money come from?"
She says: "Not everybody is as stingy as you."
And then I realized where the 62 cents came from.
C'mon! It's a joke! I made up the part about the pickle jar!
It was a small valise.
No, I'm still lying. I just like to say "valise".
It was a shoe box.
I have kleptomania - but I take things for it.
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and most of the roads weren't paved.
And I figured out why my own dear mother felt that her sixties just flew right by -- when you get to be this age evrything takes twice as long to accomplish as it did in your fifties.
Just getting ready for bed takes a good hour. Pills - I got two full drawers! I take something for everything!
I was thinking as I drove to Wausau yesterday that I am very glad that I was born in 1941 and that my race is almost run. Before the last presidential election I did something that i hadn't done since Barry Goldwater - I went out and canvassed neighborhoods for Barack Obama.
After observing the actions of Mr. Obama, the only item I can give him good grades on is health care which still fell short of what it should have been.
"Don't ask, don't tell" still remains, and we are quickly bleeding to financial death thanks to his idiotic continuous support of the Afghanistan debacle.
But what are my choices when it comes to politics? The Tea Party? Although they are presently the darlings of the media, they look to me to be the same folk I run into at Wal Mart way too often. And that's being kind.
And since two terms of the Bush Man, I will never, ever vote republican again. So what am I left with? The lesser of two evils - the dumocrats.
Well, at least I can feel good about voting for Russ Feingold.
I have been training myself to just sit back and watch the circus.