HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN:

HELLO FROM EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN - merchants slogan: "We don't have it but we can get it for you."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

FILTH IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

I was performing at "The Sanctuary" in Iowa City, Iowa, quite a few years ago. It was during the time I had to closely monitor my high blood pressure so I went down to the Drug Town Drug Store where for 25 cents you could attach the cuff to your arm and get an accurate reading.

As I was sitting I noticed an entire section of one wall dedicated to condoms. I was totally impressed because when I was young there was one brand and one brand only - Glad Wrap. In fact that's why I thought they named it Glad Wrap - because you were glad you had it in the glove compartment of the car when needed. I kid! It was Trojans.

One of the brands caught my eye immediately because it came in a bright blue box with a Disney-style cartoon duck wearing a thirties style hat - and holding a thumb up. Then I saw the name: "Rubber Ducky Condoms"
and I thought to myself: "these have had to have been designed for the first group of kids that grew up watching Sesame Street, so I bought a box, purely for research, took them back to my hotel room, studied the packaging for a while and wrote the following tune:

Introduction: I used to spend my nights alone
Crying in my beer
With all the new disease about
No women would come near
The specter of infection
Had dampened all desire
Acquired Immune Deficiency
Had quenched the lustful fire

But hope on the horizon (ta ta da!)
Raised it's rosy head ( ta ta da!)
Since you've come into my life
There's no more fear or dread

Because ...

Rubber Ducky You're the one
You make bed time so much fun
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you
(and you and you)

Rubber Ducky for the fun of it
Rubber Ducky, exceptional fit

Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you

bridge added:

Individually tested, government inspected
Approved by USDA
Lubricated, expiration dated
And sanctioned by the EPA

Rubber Ducky You're my friend
Seamless latex, reservoir end
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you

Rubber Ducky, emission control
Put one on before you rock n roll
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you

bridge added:

It's not scary when it's sanitary
It can save you from the ultimate burn
And like your favorite diet soda
There's no deposit, no return

When I'm with my turtle dove
I always wear the one I love
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fonda
I can hardly wait to get my hands on Rhonda
(Help me Rhonda, help, help me Rhonda!)
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of you. (Doobie dobbie doobie doo!)

So I have been using this song as part of my show for years - and at one point the nurse and health director at UWEC asked for a recording to play for college freshmen.

Then I got a call to do a "Medical Luncheon" in Madison, Wisconsin, hot bed of liberalism. After I had signed the contract, the powers that be stipulated that all my material must refer to health.

What?

So I dug around for some doctor jokes and then thought "Oh! They will love the "Rubber Ducky" - so I closed with it.

The next day I get back to my office to find an e mail from the Madison agency that hired me for the gig saying that the "health workers" - turns out they were bean counters - wanted an apology in writing for my unseemly show.

What?

I did it at a Christmas party for dental employees in Mondovi, Wisconsin and they loved it. so much for Madison - hot bed of liberalism.

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While picking up four more wonderful pop over cups from David Caradorri, I noticed a Subaru Forester out front. Turns out it belongs to a lovely young art teacher with the Eau Claire schools.

My son, Jonathan had a Subaru Legacy for many moons until it got hit and ran in the middle of the night in Brooklyn. I was telling the story of how when John quit the circus he stopped in Eau Claire and I helped him find the car.

Well, she thought that "quit the circus" was the funniest thing she'd heard in a long time - and that reminded me of how my other son David, when in grade school used to love it when his teacher would ask him would his dad did for a living and he would say that his dad was a comedian.

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