DECEMBER 21 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID!

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Today is December 21st, which is my son David's birthday. I called him "early" this morning and got his message: "milliions of years ago, the earth was a vast wasteland. Now you can leave me a message." So I did. Happy birthday, my son. I hope that your Colorado trip over the Holiday is fun and successful. I wish you all the best for the coming year.

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AL-ZAIDI TRULY MY HERO - HURLS WITH A LOTTA SOUL

Pictured is my hero, Muntzar Al-Zaidi, Iraqi journalist and shoe hurler. Actually, I am envious of the man! If only I had the chance! I, of course, would have taken a dump in both the shoes before hurling them!
Now, it turns out, upon retrieval of the shoes, that Mr. Al-Zaidi wrote a missive for Bushie on the bottom of his shoes which reads:

Dear President Bush:

Sorry to throw shoes at you but was only way to get message to you. I have very much liked you as president. You have:
- weakened U.S, economy
- weakened U.S. military
- weakened U.S. influence in world
- wiped out U.S. moral high ground
- weakened U.S. vocabulary
- weakened U.S. dollar
- strengthened U.S. comedy
I have wanted thee things to happen for a long time. (cont'd on other shoe)

So I was hoping you would next become president of Turkey. I do not like them much at all and I think as their leader you could make them dumb and ruin their economy. Please?
Please answer by throwing your shoes at me. P.S. - although English is not my first language I still know you should stop using it. You are breaking it. Please communicate with gestures only. Thanks.

(from Lee Camp's blog: 23/6)

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News From Bin Olson! Bush Has New Job Prospect!

This report in from reporter Osama Bin Olson, the only verified camel jockey east of the Mississppi:

Soon to be (thank God!) ex-president George Bush is said to be looking into opening a shoe shine/cobbler shop in the green zone in beautiful downtown Baghdad.

"It will be good to be actually doing some form of manual labor other than cutting and stacking brush at the ranch," the soon to be unemployed said with that silly smirk on his face. "Lord knows I haven't done anything in eight years so it'll prb'ly take me awhile to get in shape, but I think that I will model my cobbler shop after the Seattle Fish Market only in reverse. Rather than having fish tossed about by employees, customers will be bringing in shoes in need of repair and tossing them across the counter at me. Any customer that can catch me off guard and actually hit me in the head will get a 10 per cent discount. Fridays will be 'Hit Me in the Testicles' and win a free sole day."

Nobody will be allowed to win more than once a week. "Fool me once - shame on you -- fool me again -- no -- lessee -- you can fool some of the people some of the time, but fool me once and it's mission accomplished -- or sumpthin like that."

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SOME CRAZINESS FOR THE WEEKEND!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: STAGE A "BYE BYE YOU BASTARD BUSH" FAREWELL PARTY TO THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER

Just realized that I haven't written here for days! Must be winter hibernation. Ms. Kim keeps the thermostat at the house at 68 degrees and like a snake, I become rather sluggish at such cool temperatures. I have been forced to seek the warmth of my little stove at the office.

Before the first major snow fall, I trudged back into the woods behind the office (with the help of my kindly wife) and dragged out a lot of downed limbs of pine, oak, and anything else that I could cut up with my hand saw for kindling. Now if I get over here early enough in the morning, I find a left over bed off hot coals lurking under the ash, throw in some of my cut up kindling, and in no time, it's 75 to 80 degrees in here. Ah, comfort!

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Thankfully, time does not stand still (although with Bush in office the last eight years have been interminable). Now that we have a president-elect, I think we are all counting down the days when idiot boy is no longer able to fuck up any more. To that end, I suggested to Kim that we throw a party.

Now, God knows, my party days are over. But this is one occasion that I am not about to pass up. Yesterday Kim and I designed invitations and took them down to the printer. The outside has a photo of Cheney talking to Bush, saying: "I've got good news - a hundred Brazillian troops are joining the effort in Iraq." Bush is saying: "Hey! That's great!" Inside on the right side of the invitations Bush is saying: "How many is a hundred brazillian?"

The actual invitation reads:

You are invited to a Bye Bye You Bastard Bush Party

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Kim Wilson, Larry Heagle Residence

5:30PM - 8PM

BYOB

Pizzas will be Made,Tears of Joy Will Be Shed

Please RSVP to lheagle@larryheagle.com by January 14

We fully intend to have each guest stand and make a toast to the departing "Worst President Ever". Something like: "HERE'S TO GEORGE, MAY HE NOT MISS THIS YEAR'S IDIOT'S CONVENTION IN TEXAS WHERE HE BELONGS - AND MAY HE SINGE HIS NUTS OFF AT HIS FIRST BACKYARD BAR-B-Q."

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an article by Truthout's Michael Winship:

With all the interviews President Bush has been giving out lately, you'd think he has a new movie coming out for Christmas.

ABC, NBC, National Review, Middle East Broadcasting, the Real Clear Politics Web site - even a talk with The Washington Post's NASCAR expert. For a fellow who's sometimes gone for months without a press conference, suddenly, the president's a regular chatterbox, spreading the word in these final days that his eight years in office really, really weren't all that bad. Honest.

OH? I THINK WE WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT, GEORGE, YOU DUMB ASS!

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With our nation in economic melt down, I recently received this from Tiit Raid:

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors)
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams
practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the
race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate
the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of
senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people
rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a
consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second
opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat,
while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent
another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure
was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2
people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was
called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings,
dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting
new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for
practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the
competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into
morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted
development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all
capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable
to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for
unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next
year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty
years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't
make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen
plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting
bonuses... and now wants the Government to 'bail them out'.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!

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Need laughter? Google "Tommy Tiernan" and find a place where you can order this crazy Irishman's DVD's! I have three of them and he is absolutely, far and away, the funniest stand up I have ever encountered. Of course, I am Irish, so I am a bit prejudiced!

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Stella the Destoyer - Is Nothing Safe?

Yesterday I received the box pictured, filled with fitted insulation tubes designed to slide along the bottom edge of all outside doors to keep the winter out more thoroughly.

Being a guy who never does something now that can be put off until later, I left the box sitting out and went out to run some errands. When we got back, what you see in the photo is what we beheld -- handiwork of Stella the Destroyer! I swear the cat is part canine!

We have seen her do this to other boxes after they have been emptied. This is her first "safe cracking" attempt!

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Sometime ago, I was returning home, late at night, from a banquet gig in eastern Wisconsin, traveling on Highway 82. i stopped to take on fuel at a gas station outside Mauston, Wisconsin. As I was pumping the fuel, I noticed him -- a big old hulking local cop, pacing the front of the store nervously.

When I came in to pay for the fuel, he approached me:

"You traveling on Interstate 94?"
Somewhat taken aback at being spoken to at all, I sid "Yes, I am."
"Which way are you headed? West or East?"
""Ah - I'm headed West."

At this point a young black man appeared from behind the far shelves.
"Good," says the cop. "Take this kid with you."

Now I am up against it! On one hand, I don't want to appear to be a racist, on the other hand, if I give the kid a ride, I am breaking my own cardinal rule: NEVER PICK UP HITCH HIKERS.

Inside I am in real turmoil because the third element here is that this is a damn cop telling me to break the law that is set for Interstate travelers -- no hitch hiking!

But I am intimidated by the uniform and agree to take on the passenger.

We leave and drive in silence for a bit. Finally I break the ice.
"So -- where are you headed?"
'I am going to the Twin Cities to live with my aunt."
"Oh. And where are you coming from?"
"I just got out of prison".

It is quiet in the car for a good long time as in my head I curse that freakin' local Barney from Mauston. As we get nearer my Eau Claire exit, I figure I better make some things clear and hope for the best.

"Gee, I'm sorry I am not going all the way to the Cities. We are coming up on my exit soon. Tell you what, though. I'v got about twenty dollars left in my wallet and I want you to have it to help you on your way."

We make the exit and I pull to the shoulder. He thanks me for the $20 and exits the car.

Obviously that experience still crosses my mind occasionally. I really should have reported Barney to his commanding officer in Mauston!

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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'



The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your fucking bran muffins! We could have been here ten years ago!'


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MY FRIEND PERLA BATALLA HAS A NEW CD OUT!

"Perla's newest, "We Three Kings" is available at:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/perla5

Or by sending a check made out to Perla Batalla
$15 per cd and $5 postage and handling to:
Mechuda Music
PO Box 250
Ojai, Ca 93034

(They make fabulous Christmas gifts!)

"A Perla Christmas" Goes on Tour:
Dec 3-5 Sun Valley Idaho
Dec 6 Salt Lake City, Utah
Dec 7 -10 La Mesilla, New Mexico
Dec 12 Raymond Kabazz Theater, Los Angeles
Dec 19 Zoey's at the Lodge Ventura, California

Release Notes:
Grammy nominated world vocalist, Perla Batalla continues to defy
genre with her 6th CD release & very first holiday album, "We Three
Kings". Featuring timeless traditional & contemporary classics,
including "Noche de Paz", Vince Guaraldi's "Christmas Time is Here"
and Leonard Cohen's stirring "Hallelujah". Perla's legendary vocal
prowess coupled with fearless and inspirational arrangements
celebrate love, family and the best meaning of season. Produced by
Perla Batalla with memorable performances by Eva Batalla-Mann, Dave
Palmer, Alan Thornhill, Chaz Benton, Debra Dobkin, Karen Hammack,
Charles Frichtel, Marty Van Loan, Mike Velasquez, Ken Eros and more.


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