Officer, Do Your Duty

The cost of speeding has certainly gone up! I discovered this on February 17, 2007, after having met Kim for dinner. I was taking "the short cut" across the Chippewa River on Short Street, which hooks me up with a straight shot down Interstate 94 to my exit on Highway 53 south.

Here's the thing: The speed limit on Short Street used to be 45 mph, but somewhere along the line, they had lowered it to 35 mph. I know what you're thinking: "Oh, here comes his flimsy excuse!" but on the contrary, I was well aware of that change as this is a regular route for me. But this February evening, I just wasn't paying attention to how fast I was going. I do know that I was exceeding the speed limit, but I really couldn't tell you by how much.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the white Eau Claire city cruiser, but by then it was too late. After I pulled it over, the officer asked the obligatory 'do you know how fast you were going' and I truthfully told him that I hadn't checked the speedometer. Then he tells me that he clocked me at 55mph!! (I still find this difficult to believe). so he wrote me a ticket for $211.20. That's nearly an entire bag of groceries!

Later, I tell Mike Schlenker the story and I find out something. Did you know that you can ask to see the radar gun read out? I guess Schlenker is somewhat of an expert on speeding. I wish I had known that! Anyway, that's my "ticket story".

It got me started thinking if I had ever in my life talked my way out of a speeding ticket. Now, I know this is going to sound sexist, but I don't have the right "equipment" to even begin trying to talk my way out of a ticket. Even if I did have that "equipment" , I think factoring in my age would render that point moot.

But then yesterday, as I caught myself with the heavy foot, I remembered back to a return trip from a gig in Iowa City that I DID talk my way out of a ticket! Well, not exactly. But let this serve as a tip. If you ever get stopped this might work for you.

That particular occasion I was working the Sanctuary, a wonderful watering hole for U of Iowa students, and during the third and final set, I could feel the beginnngs of stomach flu setting in. So I finished the gig and thought I would just make a run for home as I would be too sick to be nodding at the wheel.

It's a six hour jaunt, part of it along the Mississippi River. So as the sun is beginning to rise, something else is beginning to try to rise within and I am sweating profusely and praying that I don't "spew" in the van. I am totally miserable and I have got the pedal all the way to the floor because there is very little traffic at dawn along the Mississip.

Sure enough, I look in the rear views and there are the flashing red and blues of the Wisconsin State Patrol but at this point I don't even care. I AM SICK! Please, I think to myself, just give me the damn ticket so I can get the hell out of here.

The officer comes to the window and says the perfect opening line: "What's your hurry?" So I look right at him, ashen gray, and say: "Geez, officer, I know I was speeding. I've got the fluuuuu really bad and I am just trying to get home to bed."

Those words visibly shake him and he takes several steps away from my window. "Well", he says, you were speeding. I suggest you slow down." And he turns tail and makes for his car.

Next time you get stopped, what the hell, it's worth a try, don't you think?