WHO NEEDS A FEMALE VIAGRA? EVER HEARD OF FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE?

Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a
KNEELING position?

The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position - was
set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France ..

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump - but it gives you
an idea as to how it was achieved.....


This much we know for sure: You do not touch the third rail. You do not betray your closest friends. You do not eat the fuzzy part of the cheese.
You do not rise up from the watery depths too rapidly, lest you go quickly insane. You do not drink five cups of coffee and three shots of absinthe and then attempt delicate brain surgery, blindfolded. You do not drill for oil a mile down in the pristine seas and have no reliable backup systems should something go horribly, horribly wrong. You do not mock Mother Nature.

But above all else, for absolute certain, one thing you really, really do not do: You do not mess around with the female sexual response.

I'm wondering if this will be the one to do it. I'm wondering if the current flurry of activity around the long-rumored, hotly debated, coolly mistrusted, still nonexistent "female Viagra," that hugely elusive wonderdrug currently being chased down by a whole slew of eager, cash-hungry major pharmcos, will be the one to change everything. And not necessarily for the better.

Have you heard? About the magic, billion-dollar pill that's to be aimed at the roughly 40 percent (!) of American women who report a complete lack of interest in sex, who have low or nonexistent libidos, women for whom even moderate arousal is akin to finding a happy gay Mormon in Utah?

Is this the one? Will this be the wild drug chase that finally cracks us wide open, make us see the light, the folly, the futility of trying to unwind the deeper and juicier mysteries of existence? Let us ponder.

We're getting closer. The FDA just rejected the second major attempt at a female libido enhancer, a drug called flibanserin, from German titan Boehringer Ingelheim. Seems the FDA was unimpressed by the drug's overall effectiveness, despite BI's claims that flibanserin's power lies not in its ability to stimulate immediate sexual arousal, but rather in how it serves as a more general improver of overall sensual awareness. Or something.

No matter. This fine attempt means it won't be long until more drugs come down the pike, aiming to capture that elusive gold ring called "female sex drive." I'm actually sort of looking forward to the efforts; something really interesting is bound to emerge, something weird and wonderful, revealing and troubling, all at once.

It's a strange and fascinating game, this hunt. On the one hand, it's widely believed that female libido issues are at least partially clinical, medical, chemical, a genuinely treatable condition, something a synthetic drug can assist in at least partially rekindling. Hell, we have drugs that do everything from tricking your heartbeat to those that help you stop screaming in the night. Why not this?

On the other hand... well, the other hand is where it gets really interesting.

Here's the thing: Everyone knows male Viagra is all about simple mechanics, a brilliant plumbing fix, and nothing more. The miraculous blue pill actually does zilch for male sex drive, nothing to "turn you on," nothing to make sex any hotter or kinkier or orgasmically mindblowing, nothing to help generate a mad lust to be gang-licked by 10,000 nubile callipygian wood nymphs while driving a Bugatti Veyron at 250 mph straight into the sun. For men, that sort of physical lust is automatic, a priori, woven in to our very bones.

The female version is an entirely different divine pink mystery-soaked wildebeest altogether.

The female sexual response is gorgeously, notoriously, infuriatingly hardwired into more than a few unfathomable cosmic wavelengths, along with a whole army of wobbly expectations, cultural proscriptions, maternal drives, menopausal shifts, depressions, ecstasies, bored housewiferies, psychological contradictions -- not to mention nearly 2,000 years of male-dominated culture not having a f--ing clue what the clitoris is actually for, combined with a near total medical ignorance (until recently) of intricate female plumbing.

In short, female sexuality is the same as it's ever been: a divine, inscrutable kaleidoscope wrapped in a mystery shaped like a yonic enigma. Parsing it in any reliable way has been one of humanity's greatest challenges, joys, follies, wine-soaked laughter-filled experiments.

My humble male prediction: It will continue to be this way for... well, just about forever. Like poetry, art, the Great Pyramids and avocadoes, it is simply not meant to be unraveled. Put another way, if we ever do fully unravel it, it means the time-space continuum has come undone, consciousness has finally shifted, and we are ready for the next leap. Understand female sexuality, you understand God. Or at least, you understand how She dances.

Do not misunderstand: I'm not de facto against the pharmcos attempting this bizarre feat of effrontery, despite the inherent insult of corporations thinking they can delineate and define the workings of the female sex. Hell, the DSM-IV has been doing it for years. So has the church. Ditto modern medicine. It's just our nature. Complaining that drug makers are inventing ailments to make a profit is like bitching about how crocodiles in Florida keep eating all the little fluffy doggies on the shore. This is just what they do.

In fact, I wish them luck. If nothing else, there will be many fascinating theories, findings, test methods, focus groups. Who knows? One of these corporations may stumble on a bit of truly magnificent, unexpected wisdom about the female wonderdazzle that makes us rethink the entire human sexual experiment altogether.

But know this: There is no way in hell well get anywhere near to figuring it all out. No pill can ever touch the complexity. The best we can do is examine and isolate a few trouble spots, find a few fixes for the most distressed and needful among us, hope for the best.

It's a bit like NASA poking at the dangerous magnificence of black holes, those swirling deep space phenomena that entice and enthrall us almost as much as they scare us silly. Sure, we can get reasonably close, we can take astounding photos, we can make all sorts of educated guesses as to what might be happening in there. We can even send in a few probes, feelers, satellites, take some measurements and gather a few samples to send back to the lab.

But holy hell on a tip of a vibrator, you don't actually go in there. That's where worlds collide, universes expand, meanings come undone, gods laugh, demons play poker with angels, and fire turns into spun glass in the shape of a Sylvia Plath poem. You think you got a pill for that? The hell you do.

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FROM E MAILS RECEIVED:

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

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And last but not least, the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.


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The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.

One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in
life was to become a teacher?"

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?"


Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want
to know what I make?" (She paused for a second, then began...)


"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.


I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.


I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.


You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table)


"I make kids wonder.


I make them question.


I make them apologize and mean it.


I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.


I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't
everything.


I make them read, read, read.


I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain,
not the man-made calculator.


I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.


I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in
the United States of America .


Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were
given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)


"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant. You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make Mr. CEO?"


His jaw dropped, he went silent. (AT LEAST FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS STORY)

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