And More From Incoming E Mail

QUOTE FROM THE MOM:

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A PAIR OF SCISSORS. I
WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING
SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.


AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROUDLY DISPLAY THIS ON
MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF TIME.

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After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
I found the remote," he mumbled.

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Andy Hyman Features Yours Truly On His Home Page

I am pleased to say that today I am featured on Distant Replays home page at www.distantreplays.com. as "Larry Heagle of the Washington Redskins.

I feel like a traitor! Trouble is, I didn't have my wearable Packer helmet finished when Andy Hyman asked me to send some examples of the helmets I had been working on.

I am still recovering from last night's testicle festival activities in Downsville. I ain't gonna lie -- I wasn't cut out (excuse the pun) to be downing bull nuts. TJ's has a great menu the rest of the year. My very favorite -- and I've talked about this before -- is his aged sirloin steak. My God! John ages them himself and he really knows what he's doing. I have never found a steak that can hold a candle to his -- not even the sirloin at the Tea Steak House, Tea, South dakota, just out of Sioux Falls, which runs a close second.

Last night, before I left for Downsville, Kim and I met Jim and Donna Backus for an early supper at The Galloway Street Grille, a relatively new eatery near the Eau Claire Post Office.

I arrived before any of the rest of the party so I sat at the bar and reached over to check the menu. What is it with Eau Claire? Restaurant menus are nearly interchangeable. A page of salads, a page of burgers, a steak or two, shrimp and walleye -- all the usual suspects. Kim ordered the Caesar Salad and I ordered the Galloway Grille Burger -- a half pound burger that was cooked to dry.

Kim's Caesar dressing had no relation to what I consider a Caesar dressing should be -- no anchovy or romano cheese whatsoever.

Kim liked it because at least the lettuce wasn't served ice cold.

Generally? Yawn-ola! Lat's face it -- Eau Claire is a meat and potatoes town, with the exception of St Patrick's Day -- which is another meat and potatoes day -- with barely passable corned beef and boiled potatoes -- and EEEUUUUU! Green Beer! couldn't we at least get Guiness Stout? Or a bottle of Harp Lager?

Actually I am being a little too harsh. you CAN find Harp and Guiness.

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And garnered from my overnight e mail:

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin


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Joe Namath Super Bowl Three Helmet Finishes Well

Wow! The Riddell helmet that arrived earlier this afternoon was really in good shape! thank God for a product called "Goo Be Gone" as it not only removed smudge marks, but also took off some red color streaks where the helmet had obviously come in contact with someone who was wearing a red helmet. I wasn't sure that this would come out as easily as the smudges, but with a little elbow grease, the helmet really came clean!
Then it was on to applying some automobile polish before adding the face mask and decals which had been sitting around my office for about a month just waiting for the right helmet to come in.

The face mask is a rather unusual one that Namath wore in Super Bowl Three when the Jets beat the Colts in an upset. Remember that game? Namath predicted before the game that the Jets were going to win. Not only did he put his money where his mouth was, but he provided the American Football League with their first victory in the world championship series with the win.

An interesting side note: The Jets wore "Kelly Green" uniforms because that was owner Sonny Werblein's favorite color.

Today I finally located the correct face mask for a helmet that is still in the planning stages. It is a line backer's face mask in "aqua" green. And it was very, very difficult to locate! But you know what? that is really the most fun in this hobby -- hunting down things that are needed!

I already have an amazingly clean white Riddell helmet for the project and have Dolphin decals ordered. It will be a real beauty when it is finished. However, it is not for a line backer. It is for a quarterback -- THE quarterback whose passing record was beaten by Brett Favre this past season on Sunday, September 30, against the Vikings in the Metrodome.

I will always remember that day as I was with my friend Tom Johnson in a rented truck, moving him back to Wisconsin and we managed to find that game on the radio -- out in the middle of Ohio, no less!!!

And now MPLSPCKR will tell us the name of that quarterback!

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Tonight, Wednesday, April 3, represents yet another harbinger of spring -- Dr. Joe Gessner's annual Rocky Mountain Oyster Feed at TJ's Inn in Downsville, Wisconsin.

several weeks ago I got a call from Dr Joe, the veterinarian, who was coming back through the Eau Claire area after having made a "house call" (barn call?) east of Eau Claire and he wanted to know if I would be so kind to be his accompanist on guitar for several songs he had written for the testicle festival.

I guess he knows me pretty well. I was, of course, fascinated and it piqued my interest that I could put such an occasion on my resume!
So we practiced the three tunes and in addition the Doc showed me his expertise on harmonica. We were set!

But then, wouldn't you know -- I double booked the evening, promising to meet Kim and our friends Jim and Donna for supper at 5:45 today! I immediately called Dr Joe and left a message for h im to call me on my cell. Luckily, when he called back, he told me that if I could get over there by 7:45PM everything would be cool as things didn't really gete rolling until then anyway.

I arrived at 7:30 and the joint was jumping. One could scarcely move through the bar. In fact, I took my guitar and small P.A. system around back and through the kitchen.

At that point, I knew it was time to taste the entree of the evening. How do I put this? Bull testicles do NOT taste like chicken, okay? They taste like -- well, they taste like bull nuts is what they taste like. They have a flavor that is uniquely their own -- one that I did not find particularly enjoyable. Sort of a cross between liver, gizzards, and any and all internal organs that you have ever had. Thank God for batter and deep frying!

Still, the Menomonie and Downsville folk were slugging them down plate after plate, especially the womenfolk. Dr. Joe informed me that they went through seventy pounds of the buggers!!! That's a lotta BULL! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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My Helmet Salute To Brett Favre

Working on these "helmet projects" has taught me much about choosing the helmet that I want to transform into an NFL helmet. This yellow helmet that I picked up recently through eBay was one of the best finds I have made since I began. The second photo shown is the helmet that I received after having removed a navy blue stripe -- s stripe, by the way, that I was able to use on my Baltimore Colts Johnny Unitas helmet that needed that stripe! The gray face mask was originally on a white Schutt helmet that I had transformed into an Arizona Cardinals helmet but I wanted to see if it would fit on the yellow helmet before I ordered the same mask in "Packer green".
The "Packer green" face mask is on order and once it gets here, I will transfer the gray mask back to the cardinals helmet as that is the correct color for the team.

The Packer helmet is by far the most professional looking that I have finished so far. I do have another older "RK" shell type Riddell helmet that I dropped off with Aerco Auto Body --- it has a crack in the ear piece area and I wanted someone who really knows how to do repair work take care of that problem.

They will also paint it Packer yellow and eventually I will be ordering the huge lineman's "cage" mask similar to the one Ray Nitschke wore. Ray is a big hero of mine!

I am nearing the end (I think) of helmet-making! On order still are the decals to make a Dan Marino Dolphins helmet -- you should have seen the good time I had trying to find a "teal" spray paint to paint the gray face mask I had to special order for the Marino look.

He wore a defensive line man's cage as a quarterback( to protect those good looks, I guess), but no one is manufacturing that cage in "teal" color, so it was improv time!

I have always been fond of the look of the Kansas City Chiefs helmet logo, so I have those on order as well. I think eventually I will have to open my own eBay seller's site and see how much money I can make selling these!

I don't think I can part with the Packer helmet, though!

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Yesterday I was going to write some cockamamie stories for April Fool's Day, but I wasn't feeling very creative so --- NOTHING!

Instead, I went out and invested in a Samsung flat screen monitor for my gaming computer -- which I am still to pick up from Liz Fischer. The new monitor is a birthday gift to me! Kim has said she would chip in part of the cost. Otherwise i wouldn't have been able to buy it.

I fist looked at used flat screen monitors. They wanted nearly $100 for a 17 inch Dell -- with a mere 60 day warranty and no offer to buy an extended warranty. so I went to Sam's Club and found a 19 inch wide screen for $89.58 more. Also tacked on a three year warranty service plan.

(There was a moment's panic here! I couldn't find my sales slip and service plan brochure! Know where I found it??? In the frickin' "circular file"!!!)

NOTE TO MYSELF: IF SOMETHING DOES GO WRONG WITH THE SAMSUNG MONITOR, THE WARRANTY PAPERS ARE ON FILE IN THE FOLDER FOR APIL '08 BILLS!

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In lieu of april Fool's, here's some humor, sent to me by friends:

A video from my former drummer, Tom Swearingen:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1809497

As a musician, I laughed so hard I pissed myself!!!

And from my hair cutting friend in Menomonie, Tish:

A friend of mine, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday afternoon he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter. And of course they always stopped at the Dairy Queen for the ice cream cone.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

'We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'


And from Matthew Capell:

Some times you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"



I recently chose a new primary care physician.



After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"



He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"



"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."



Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"



I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"



"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing at the beach?"



"No, I don't," I said.



He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"



"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."



He then looked at me and asked,



"Then why do you even give a shit?"



A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrif ice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'


An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.



Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.



One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.



A bible A silver dollar A bottle of whisky And a Playboy magazine



"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up.



If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!



If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.



But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.



And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.



The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.



Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.



He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.



He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.



"Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress."

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Recently I have begun to consider becoming a substitute teacher in the Eau Claire Public Schools. after reading this next article, I won't be going back unless I am packing a compact 9mm in an ankle holster!:

WAYCROSS, Ga. - A group of third-graders plotted to attack their teacher, bringing a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape and other items for the job and assigning children tasks including covering the windows and cleaning up afterward, police said Tuesday.

The plot by as many as nine boys and girls at Center Elementary School in south Georgia was a serious threat, Waycross Police Chief Tony Tanner said.

"We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely," Tanner said. "We feel like if they weren't interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don't know."

The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said. A prosecutor said they are too young to be charged with a crime under Georgia law.

School officials alerted police Friday after a pupil tipped off a teacher that a girl had brought a weapon to school, Tanner said.

Police seized a broken steak knife, handcuffs, duct tape, electrical and transparent tape, ribbons and a crystal paperweight from the students, who apparently intended to use them against the teacher, Tanner said.

Nine children have been given discipline up to and including long-term suspension, said Theresa Martin, spokeswoman for the Ware County school system. She would not be more specific but said none of the children had been back to school since the case came to light.

The purported target is a veteran educator who teaches third-grade students with learning disabilities including attention deficit disorder, delayed development and hyperactivity, friends and parents said.

The scheme involved a division of roles, Tanner said. One child's job was to cover windows so no one could see outside, he said. Another was supposed to clean up after the attack.

"We're not sure at this point in the investigation how many of the students actually knew the intent was to hurt the teacher," Tanner said.

The parents of the students have cooperated with investigators, who aren't allowed to question the children without their parents' or guardians' consent, he said. Authorities have withheld the children's names.

Police expected to forward the results of their investigation to prosecutors, Tanner said.

Children in Georgia can't be charged with a crime unless they are at least 13, District Attorney Rick Currie said.

Martin told The Florida Times-Union of Jacksonville, Fla., that administrators would follow school system policy and state law in disciplining the students.

"From what I understand, they were considered pretty good kids," Martin said. "But we have to take this seriously, whether they were serious or not about carrying this through, and that's what we did."

Four mothers of other third-grade students at Center Elementary called for the immediate expulsion of the suspected plotters.

Stacy Carter and Deana Hiott both cited school system policy stating that any student who brings "anything reasonably considered to be a weapon" is to be expelled for at least the remainder of the school year.

"We don't want our children around them," Carter told the Times-Union. "The one with the knife could have stabbed my child or someone else's child at lunch or out on the playground."

"This is an isolated incident, an aberration. ... We have good kids," Center Principal Angie Coleman told the newspaper.

Well, Angie, this may be an isolated incident, an aberration, but bound with duct tape and slashed by third graders need only happen once!


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Motorcycle Garage Becomes "War Room"

Knowing that my "back room", which was a room that I originally used to store my Harley Davidson motorcycle in winter, thanks to windowed French doors and a ramp, had fallen into disrepair after I sold the last of my motorcycles, yesterday I set to work clearing out all the junk that had found its way back there.

After reclaiming most of the floor, I moved an old table in there, a reading lamp, and I strung up several of my 1/18 scale WWII aircraft models to prepare the area to be my "war room" after I eventually get the computer and monitor for the table top.

James Dean will have to take a hike soon. He just won't fit in the war room. I will have to find some propaganda posters from the war to take his place.

It took me most of the afternoon to reclaim the room, but there is a satisfied feeling of accomplishment today! Now I have to get on Liz Fischer's nerves by calling her every day about the computer!

March Goes Out In Typical Wisconsin Lion Style

Spent the morning wrestling the wheel of my Scion xB while doing some window shopping for a flat screen computer monitor. Yes, March is going out like a lion the way it is supposed to in Wisconsin.

We are getting the kind of snow that is mostly slush that can grab your wheels and pull you either in the ditch or into the path of an oncoming car -- a car which is fighting its own battle to maintain control, all the while throwing a plume of wet snow across your wind shield.

When I helped my friend Tom "Blinky" Johnson move back to Wisconsin from the Big Apple, he gave me his joy stick and copy of Microsoft's Combat Flight Simulator (WWII Europe Series).

I had that game for many years, but in a weak moment gave my old computer and my copy of the game to Adam Wendt, a really nice kid whose dad was working for us as a carpenter at the time.

I figured at the time that I was too old and mature to be playing that game. Yeh, right! After about six months, I really started missing being able to sit down and take out my anxiety and frustrations from the cockpit of a P 51 Mustang, knocking Nazi fighter planes out of the sky with the really accurate sound of six fifty caliber machine guns the game provides.

The game sat here in my office until recently when I found out that my friend and agent, Liz Fischer had just bought a new Windows platform computer and I volunteered to take her old XP Hewlett Packard off her hands!

But now I want to get a large flat screen monitor! And a great pair of speakers, including an active woofer for teeth chattering bass. I have a set of Sonys that run my Mac and I really love them.

I was getting pretty good at not getting shot down and instead scoring ace numbers of enemy aircraft flying the Mustang and the British Hawker Hurricane -- which I like even better than the Spitfire.

One of my fondest memories of the time when I had the game in operation was a visit from two gentlemen who had flown combat missions in Europe.

I met them while entertaining the Chippewa Falls High School class of 1941 class reunion and we hit it off really well so I invited them out to the office for pizza and a look at my combat simulator.

One of the pilots had flown a Mustang and regaled me with the story of encountering a Messerschmitt 262 (the first operational jet aircraft).

I asked him how he fared in the confrontation and he sheepishly told me that they had approached each other head on and that he couldn't figure out what the hell it was as he had never seen one before. By the time he got a good look at it, it had disappeared -- streaking past him at a speed he could never reach in his propeller driven craft. Luckily, the German didn't turn back and engage him.

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